Random Thoughts

Below you will find three separate pieces, just thoughts that I have been needing to get rid of. One is about the feelings I have in living with various ailments (Stalkers),  one is about reminding myself to stop and listen to what I'm doing and what is happening around and within me (Listen), and one is about searching through my feelings and dealing with the priorities in my life (Still There).

They were in my mind, they had to come out........   Writing (for me) is like that, it is a way of releasing the thoughts that crowd one's mind.   I can not rest until those words floating around in my head are turned loose to be on their own.

Sometimes I feel like I need to apologize or at the very least explain my need to write and the words I allow others to read, but I'm not sure I could make anyone understand......  it's just necessary that I get them out of me.   I do not have the talent to dress my words up in fancy attire before they go out, but I try to make sure they are presentable to be seen by others, and maybe someone, somewhere can relate to them.

I hope that the reader of my words will look past the way they are dressed, and realize that there is "so much more" beyond the tattered and torn rags.   

Still there

Where is it?
The cancer…..
15 months ago
It came into me
It took over my every moment
Bringing illness, and fear
Prevalent in my daily thoughts
Ruling my existence

Then a new visitor arrived
Suddenly flooding my life
The cancer did not go away
It’s only hiding
Dormant now
Silently lurking
less important somehow
Behind my heart

Before them, pain
Crippling pain
Accompanying my walk
Sometimes debilitating
Quieting the music
And stopping my dance
Replacing it with screaming throbs

Cancer, you’ve taken a back seat now
I want to push you out the door
And I know you won’t go
Not on your own
And I am too weak to fight you
For now
But only for now

-----The day will come

Listen

And it just is…….
Life with all of it’s happenings
Surviving
The sorrows
Relishing
The joys
Riding the waves
Hearing the noise

Listen, it’s life!
Dare to embrace
And hold closely
The sounds
of laughter
and tears
The uncertainties
Keeping poise through fear

Each moment a note
Worth playing
Or singing
Mixed melodies
Sounds of learning
In a different key
Amplified together
so others can hear your symphony

And it just is……..

The music of life

Listen
Can you hear it…….

The Stalker's

I never know just where they are…..
or which one is is more powerful
to spread it’s darkness upon me
the silent walker’s, ever present as my shadow

When I turn or hide they follow
Especially in the light, but also obscured
My empty effort to hide from the ominous
My companions, my stalkers

Different in their tormenting ways
As I turn quickly to face one
The others manage to escape
Hiding yet lurking in the depths of days

Waiting, just waiting to strike
When I least expect them
Which affliction will show it’s face
And which one do I challenge the race

The Rehab.....

Rehabilitation  - "to restore to good condition"......yep, that's what I'm doing!   Well, I'm trying anyway.   I am starting on my second week of Cardiac Rehab.   I drive to the hospital about 15 miles from here 3 days a week on Monday's, Wednesday's and Friday's.   While there, I am hooked up to a heart monitor and my blood pressure is monitored before I work out, during work out when I'm on a machine, and after I work out.    Each time I spend 10 minutes on 3 different machines for a total exercise time of 30 minutes.   On Monday's the work out session is followed by another 30 minutes of weight lifting (light weights of 2 or 3 pounds) and stretching for the upper body.    On Friday's the work out session is followed by focusing on the lower body with rubber bands around the legs and feet and stretching of the thighs, hips and calves for 30 minutes.    Wednesday's is "education day" with classes on nutrition, general heart attack information including angina, cholesterol, exercising safely, and stress management.    We were also given a log to write down our daily intake of calories, fat & salt in our diet, and given orders to buy a "pedometer" so we can keep track of the number of steps we take each day.

On our days off,  (tuesdays, thursdays, and  the weekends) we are to do what we can on our own.   Believe me, this has all been quite the experience.

I'm doing it - I am doing what I'm told, but I'm not sure I can say I'm doing well......  for instance, with my right hip/back/leg problem because of my bad disc, and now the left leg/foot problem, walking is hard for me.    The orthopedic doctor did write orders that keeps me off the treadmill, and the upright stationary bike, but I find I am over doing now on the other machines.

I come from the old "no pain, no gain" era, which is totally wrong,  so I've had to really change my way of thinking in exercise along with a lot of other things......    I got on the "rowing" machine yesterday and was really working hard pulling and pushing, nearly out of breath, panting, sweating, when the rehab nurse came over and yelled at me to stop, just set there for a minute or two, catch my breath and quit working so hard.    I guess my blood pressure was too high, and she didn't like what the heart monitor was showing.   I honestly thought the harder I worked the better it was, but I guess that's not the case....

So far today which is an off day at home, I have walked 2060 steps.....  I am doing this 1,000 at a time as that's about as far as I can go without my legs giving out.   An hour of rest though and I'm ready to get up and go again.....  I want to get over 3,000 steps in today, and hopefully next week I can get that up to 4,000 on my days off, then eventually get it up to 5,000 which would be equal to about 2 miles.

The machines I get along best with in the gym, is the "Nu Step", or any kind of horizontal movement for my legs.....that particular machine does not hurt my legs at all, and it actually feels good to move them without pain, but I know I need other movement as well so I have to work on other machines and other parts of my body in order to get stronger over all.   I'd love to have a Nu Step at home, but they don't give them away so it's going to take some time to save up for it.....  I'm keeping my eyes open for a used one in the classified ad's....

Now that the super bowl table spread is gone, I am really watching my diet.   I was amazed when I started noticing how much salt is in canned vegetables, or any processed foods for that matter........I have cut down.

As I just told a friend, I have so much to learn and so many old habits to change!    It's not easy, but then as they say, nothing worth having is, and when it comes to good health habits I have a lot of work to do.

Nearly an hour has passed, so I'm headed back outside to work on that 3rd thousand steps.   At least we have nice weather today........   ok, are any of you ready to go buy a pedometer and join me?

the game - the food

I was disappointed in the final score but boy did Arizona show up and give Pittsburg a run for their money.....  It was really a good game and you can tell by the picture we had a great time eating our way through it.......

Big "A" Weekend

It's Super Bowl weekend!   Though I'm not holding my breath for a win, I'll be cheering for Arizona to at least make a good showing against the Steeler's. We're having about 20 people over to watch the game with us, and in honor of the Cardinals I just had to bake a "cherry/berry" pie.

As you might assume, there is "so much more" to the story....

I had spent most of the day baking pies and preparing some other dishes in the kitchen on Dec. 23rd when I had my heart attack.   Because of the condition I was in, not only do I not remember much about baking them, I never got to eat any!    The pies were taken to the ICU waiting room where the family and some others got to enjoy them, but they didn't think there was a way to save me a piece.

When I decided to have this get together today, I was bound and determined to make another pie.   Believe me, it was a little nerve wracking to walk into the kitchen and start the process.   Would I live through it again?    It's funny how we associate certain things with events in our lives and I will never bake another pie without thinking of that day.   However; the picture serves as proof that I did survive to bake again!   I hope they taste as good as they look.

Today will also be my first time back to Church since the attack.   I just hadn't quite been strong enough until now, but I'm anxious to see everyone again.   This afternoon I'll get the hot wings ready and make some guacamole and we'll have a fun evening.   I just can't wait to cut into those pies......One thing for sure you can bet I'll enjoy them.   Not exactly "heart healthy" food, but there is nothing on the menu for today that even slightly resembles the word diet!   I hope you all enjoy the game!