Finally Found

Being “lost” is not a fun thing…… It usually creates a sense of panic, and there is an underlying fear that fills every fiber of your being, of ever being able to find your way again. Regardless of which way you turn or what choices you make, you are still left with unfamiliar territory around you. Easily you can forget where your starting point was.

I have been giving a lot of thought recently to what this past few years has been like……. One day I was a healthy, happy, carefree 62 year old person, looking forward to retirement, and the next day I’m not sure what is happening or where I am on my life’s journey or what’s going to happen to me.

That was 4 years ago……48 months of existing but not really living……over 1,400 days of facing one health issue after another… fear springing up on a constant basis to set me back again, obstacle after obstacle that turned me in a different direction, challenges that threatened to stop me completely. Choices that tricked me into taking the wrong turns, underbrush to hide traps and snares, days running into days and nights running into nights with no breaks.

wandering…..worrying….wondering…..waiting…..weakening…... whining…..wearing… wishing…… and woefully willful…..

I say woefully because determination and the will for finding your way is not easy. It would have been so much easier, and maybe better for some had I just been satisfied to stay lost.

After that much time, one forgets who they really are beneath all those problems. What was I like when I was healthy? I can hardly remember! Will I ever be able to find my way again? Where did that person go? Where does she belong and what is her purpose?

The uneasiness and will to continue to search until you can find the right trail to take you home affects a lot of people. Those you call on for help and support and those who are waiting on you and those who are looking for you or helping you look for yourself.

Finally finding the correct trail brings you to yet another beginning.

That is where I honestly feel like I am right now…… After years of fighting the jungle around me, I’ve finally located the trail, I’m back on track now and on my way back home……

My checkup with the heart doctor resulted in a feeling I haven’t experienced in a very long time…… It was the last of my scheduled medical appointments and misery, after 4 long years of looking for a way out. It was the final step in my quest to locate the real her……the person I used to be……

The doctor brought up all of my old records to compare my blood levels over the past 17 months. I do not have the exact numbers in front of me but my triglycerides that were over 500 are now in the very low/normal range. My HDL or bad cholesterol which was almost off the chart are now actually lower than he wants, and my good cholesterol which was next to nothing is now higher than he wants….actually above the normal range…..blood pressure was 138 over 70 and everything else looked good and sounded good. He decreased one of my medications from 1500 mgs to 500 mgs. And he cut another medication dosage in half. He was a very happy doctor and I was a very happy patient. I am to have another blood test and see him again in October, then if everything is still good I won’t have to see him again for a year…..!!!!! YEA!!!!!

As I left his office with a spring in my step, I walked out, looked up to the heavens and said “thank you God”. I looked down and there was the path home stretching out before me. My cancer checkup was good, my back is much better, my spots are almost gone, and my heart is beating with a smile…… I suddenly felt the power today to take control again and had a renewal of what life could be like. There really IS "So Much More".

I can honestly relate to those who have been held captive in foreign prisons, finally being released to freedom. It might be a “while” before I’m completely home again, before I find her heart and soul and energy and self worth that she held so dear 4 years ago, but at least I know she’s on track, I’ve found the right trail, there is no doubt about it, and I’m on my way…….

Just because I’ve finished with all the doctors appointments, surgeries, treatments, and procedures, this isn’t the end……. It’s actually the beginning to the end…… I will maintain the trail ahead and behind me now….. now that I know what I’m looking for and which path to follow…I know I will find her again.

Here’s to getting back on track, taking the right trails, marking where you’ve been and knowing where you’re going……and here’s to good health!

Lemon Juice and a Wire Brush

You’ve heard the saying, a lily-white completion?

The first year I went to school was in 1947, I was 4 years old. After a few weeks, the teacher sent a note home to my parents telling them that “your daughter has dirty elbows!” Now in defense of my mother, I did bathe daily and I was always kept clean and was taught proper hygiene. However; That did not make my elbows any different.

That evening, Mom went out to Dad’s pickup and got his wire rig brush…. It was part of the tool collection he carried with him at all times when working, and was used to scrub down a rusty connection on pipe, or clean a rig floor or pump jack parts that may need shined. She brought it in the house, I was placed up on a stool in front of the kitchen sink and while holding my arms under running water, we scrubbed my elbows with lye soap and the wire brush. Afterwards, she taped lemon slices on my elbows and I slept with them. I also wore the lemon slices on weekends. No, it wasn’t child abuse; it was simply the only way my Mother could think of to make my elbows nicer. This must have went on for several weeks and there may have been a little improvement. As time went on, she and I both became tired of the routine and it was stopped. Inevitably my elbows would turn dark and rough again, and we’d start the process over…. This went on for several years and even as an adult, I have tried it a few times.

My Dad always had a lot of freckles, and some were raised. I once asked him about them and he told me they were “catfish bumps”….. Catfish have spots, but do not have bumps so where he came up with that I will never know, but nevertheless I believed him, and later when my freckles turned into bumps, I just assumed I had the same catfish bumps he did. I will never forget the look on the doctor’s face the first time I went to a dermatologist and when he ask what the concern was with my skin and I told him I had catfish bumps…. This was at age 40. Ok, so I was naïve….. :)

The doctor informed me what I really had was “seborrhea keratosis”. An inherited non cancerous condition that was not serious and nothing to worry about. I was told then to keep an eye on any that may change in appearance or become wart like. I was also lectured about “vanity”. I have never been a vain person so I dismissed all of it from my mind and accepted that I would just live with the condition as I am. This was fine except in the past few years some of them have gotten worse, along with my elbows being dirty looking again, so I made this skin appointment with another dermatologist.

I went through the whole story with him, he examined me all over and again gave me the same diagnosis of seborrhea keratosis. When he looked at my elbows he told me I had psoriasis on them, and had probably always had it, and guess what……that due to medical advances, wire brushes and lemon juice are no longer used as a cure. Ha! We both had a good laugh over that one. He gave me cream to use on them and said they would probably clear up within a few weeks, but in the future if it acted up again just start using the cream again and leave the wire brush in the garage and the lemons in the fridge. Whew!

As far as my “catfish bumps”, he used liquid nitrogen….. He sprayed it on 44 spots on various locations of my body. Lectured me on using sun screen, gave me some salve to use on my face and sent me home. He said from now on to call them “sparkles”…… :)

So I’m a little odd....... but this is the way the good Lord made me. I have catfish bumps….uh….sparkles..... Maybe you have one eyebrow lower than the other one or a crooked toe or a knot on your chin. The point is, as long as it’s not a danger to your health learn to love it and accept it as your own. God gave us our features and they are what makes us who we are. They make us unique, and individuals.

Part of taking care of yourself is accepting those special qualities you cannot change and learning to love every part of you. By the way, the doctor gave me permission to be vain if I wanted, and if another sparkle appears that I cannot live with, just come in and he’ll get rid of it. As for the rest of the brown spots…..well, I yam who I yam……they remind me "I’m me and there is so much more to me"……. :)

Back At Ya!

Sunday morning in Church our minister spoke of stopping to say “Thank You”. Interesting isn’t it that our early training of saying please and thank you seems to come naturally when someone passes the salt ‘n pepper, but we forget to say thank you to He who gave us life. Two simple words that if we take time to use them will give us peace and knowledge we never dreamed of.

It made me stop and think about those blessings in my life. that I now question if I had remembered to say thank you at the time.

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The earliest was when I was 9 years old. I had been very badly sexually molested by a schoolteacher for over a year, frightened beyond description, and tortured in a manner that held my heart captive, it was only by the grace of God that I was able to finally find a way to tell and get the help I needed then to make it stop.

There, I’ve said it out loud for the whole world to know now…. Some 57 odd years later, with tears surfacing again, in sorrow for what that little girl had to go through then, I said it, I wrote it, and I survived it. She survived more than any child should have to. I’m pretty sure I said “thank you” then in some way, but just to be on the safe side, Thank you God for seeing me through that and for the strength it gave me. I beg you to be with others who are going through it today.

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Next on the list would be allowing me to find Jim….. my best friend, my lover, my other soul, my mate and companion for life and all that he brought me including our children. Thank you God for my family, they are my life.

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Thank you God for staying with us as we made it through the following years of trials and tribulations in career’s, losing loved ones, raising our children, the best of the best times, the worst of the worst times, dear friends, homes, and the many lessons we learned during that period in our lives.

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Thank you God for the strength you provided that fulfilled our life long dream of opening our own business nearly 40 years after we started our lives together. There were many rough, hard days but you seen us through them and gave us yet another opportunity to grow and learn and still survive on that today.

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Thank you God for our “retirement” years….. Our grandchildren we love so dearly, the trips we’ve been able to take, and our on-growing circle of friends and family and Church who continue to support us.

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Which brings me to today…… Thank you God for the opportunity I have had, to learn from my heath issues. Thank you for allowing me to share it with others…. It’s been a long row to hoe but you gave me strength to take it as it came. Now you are providing a way for me to encourage others to do the same.

From the back and muscle problems I learned that I am not invincible and that one needs to take care of situations as they arise and not put off matters of health.

From the cancer I learned about the growing technology in our medical advances and the utmost importance of support, faith, and knowing that one can live with a deadly disease because research continues through your wisdom.

From the heart attack I learned many things, which you can always refer back to back to my series on the “matrix”.

From all of that Thank you God for the determination and focus you’ve given me to do what I need to do.

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Since the heart attack, I have completed surgery on my back and am in the process of rebuilding my muscles thru exercise rehabilitation with a professional who has taught me much. I have completed bladder surgery which was an immediate fix and have recuperated and rebuilt from that. I’ve had my eyes examined and with a new pair of glasses, I can see almost clearly again. I've completed some dental work, I also welcomed a recent check up with my cancer doctor that gave me good news of still being in remission. I am looking forward to a similar response from my heart doctor in the next few weeks, and am in the process of getting some skin problems taken care of which I’m sure will be an improvement in my appearance and comfort.

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One thing for sure God, you’ve kept me plenty busy, especially this past year, but then learning lessons is never easy it.

In 16 days I will have completed all you told me you wanted me to do except for the continued maintenance which I will work on the rest of my life.

So Thank you God! May you continue to show me a way to encourage others in the most important job you give us, that being to take care of ourselves ….. and Thank You for going through all of this with me and so much more, as only you know all the details. With each of these major events in my life thus far, good and bad, I have learned. Not always easily, but I have learned from them. As I continue to grow and become the person you want me to be, I will make sure I always stop to say Thank you. (If I get busy and slip up, you can rest assured that eventually I will) My prayer today is that you will continue to bless me with your mercy and strength and that I’ll remember who to give credit to.

Ya know something God? You literally made my day…..

here’s right back at ya!

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And The Blessings Continue….

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter; I am still smiling over our day with family. With grandkids at various colleges & jobs now scattered around the country it was wonderful to have them all be able to be here, along with their parents. We had a full count of 15 for dinner.

My dining room table is not big enough to hold everyone, so, as has been the ritual since they were old enough to set in a chair by themselves, the grandkids have been put at the kitchen table with all the adults around the larger table in the dining room. The family joke is that they can’t move to the dining room table until we all start dying off! After a hilarious family discussion a few years ago, they decided they were better off this way because they needed granny to do the cooking and as it turned out, each grandparent & parent were needed to fulfill their particular talents when it came to large family gatherings…. Finally, the grandkids have all agreed that they will stay at the kitchen table as long as it takes…. The final concession among the 5 of them is that when they all can get good paying jobs, and the need arises due to their own husbands, wives and children, they will just invest in a larger kitchen table for granny and leave us old people in the dining room… J

We attended sunrise service yesterday morning, as I knew I would need to be at home preparing dinner about the same time our regular service was going on. So, we’re up at 4:30 a.m. in time to have a cup of coffee and get ourselves ready to be at one of our Church member’s farm, we dressed warmly as the temperature was only 33 degrees when we left the house. Arriving there, they had folding chairs set facing the sun. Taking our seats and covered with blankets, the minister started his sermon just as a strong blast of cold wind came straight out of the east to further add to the chilly temperatures…. Then as quickly as the wind had came, it also left and as the sun peeked through the clouds and the birds begin chirping, a comforting calm surrounded the area and all of us there. It turned out to be one of the most beautiful services I have ever attended.

Back home with dinner well on it’s way to being ready, one by one the grandkids arrived, and two by two the kids & spouses all got here…. The house was filled with everyone greeting each other, hugs all around and everyone talking at once. Later near the end of dinner I excused myself and went into the kitchen to start the coffee and couldn’t help but enjoy the giggles, visiting, and relaxed conversation I heard coming from that table’s occupants… There are now two twenty one year olds, two nineteen year olds, and a sixteen year old. The discussion at the moment amidst roars of laughter on such a wonderful, reverent day was why they call them “deviled eggs”…and that from now on they should be called “Jesused eggs”. Following that declaration, the subject returned to how horrible chemistry is, and how the date went last week. Their conversation closely resembling the conversation at the dining room table, about how expensive college loans are, along with a few empty nest stories.

My mind wandered back as I’ve watched our tables change from when my parents and grandparents were putting on the dinner and I was at the kid table, through the years of my own kids and grandkids growing into their own….from the laughter and tears, food fights, learning which way to pass dishes, using your napkin, to the inevitable “you kids had better settle down in there”, not to mention when the conversations blended at both tables of when do you go back, what time are you leaving, and when will we see you again, we’ve all grown in our own ways.

And on it goes, generation after generation, holidays thru the years, around the world as the tables revolve…

The Road Ahead

I reached the crest of the hill, got the needed repairs and I’m coasting now…… everything went great and soon I’ll be looking at it all in the rear view mirror.

There is still some maneuvering to do, a couple of tricky curves ahead, some bumps to dodge, and a few tests to put the vehicle through, but I have every confidence it will pass.

Reaching today's mile marker was a piece of cake compared to what I've already traveled, and the best parts are yet to come..... just gotta keep travelin.

Movin On......

I am so ready to leave it all behind…….

Another mile or few to go

Closely watching for the welcome words

"You can rest a while now, you’ve arrived".

Tomorrow brings me closer to one of the last big hills I need to get over. I will undergo the surgeon’s knife again for some leaky connection repairs, spend a few days coasting, then hopefully roll into a smoother stretch ahead for the remainder of the journey.

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I’m reminded again to keep an eye on the positives; so today I am paying attention to the beauty along the side of the road.

I just seen a little flower peeking out from beneath a rock that partially covered his deeply buried roots. Despite the struggle he is blooming beautifully.

I noticed a couple of miles with no litter in the ditches, the haphazard arrangement of God’s natural design.

I’ve seen numerous fence posts standing strong and straight, holding tight to their markers taking up the slack for others that are leaning.

I seen the freedom of a wild animal taking care of it’s domain, insuring it’s place in the world tomorrow.

I noticed smiles on the faces of other travelers, each to his own destination with determination and bravery.

All of that and so much more……

Just little signs of the goodness of life around me and a glimmer of what it can be like if we keep steering ourselves straight.

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One mile at a time……..

The Compass Points

The teacher ask if anyone could tell her how many points there are on a compass….. Little Johnnie raised his hand and said five! The teacher said five? Why do you say five, can you name them?

Little Johnnie said “I sure can, North, South, East, West,

and…… where I am!”

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Many of us would be hard pressed to argue with that simple answer, and if you include the compass point of where each of us are, the compass becomes larger than any one of us can count.

This morning I learned of the death of a friend who has finished her battle with colon cancer and came out the winner.

We know where she is, but the importance is in where it leaves her family,

including her 10-year-old son.

Earlier in the month the grandson of a life long friend was involved in a horrendous car accident which put him with a broken and bloodied body into a deep coma.

Awakening, his location is now slowly changing as he struggles to relearn

how to breathe, speak, and use his mind and limbs all over again.

I know of another who broke her ankle, another who learned her mother has breast cancer, another who is celebrating the birth of a new baby, another who is recuperating from surgery, another conquering a mountain on cancer weakened legs. And there are others, each at their own point on the compass.

Life leading us around the compass.

For each of these people, their world stopped for a few moments, and moving to a different location did not seem possible. When they brought my friend’s grandson into the trauma hospital they were told IF he lives, his recovery will be a marathon not a sprint.

Through his journey his loved ones are also becoming stronger.

For my friend who died this morning, her family, thru their memories of her courage and love

will move forward by realizing their own strength.

For my friend celebrating the birth of her baby, she will grow in ways

she could never have realized.

For my friend climbing the mountain, he will not notice the pain

nearly as much as the beauty he sees when standing at the top

They are all recipients of changing locations on the compass. For now, they are stuck with what it seems like nowhere to go. Confused and afraid and some of them happy, but still totally unrelated to the rest of the compass. This moment on this earth, their point of location is

the primary point on the compass.

If they will allow themselves to take notice,……..

“Where I am”,

will take on a whole new meaning for them….

“Where I am”

is forever etched in stone as a turning point in their lives….

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I reach out to dream

Of peace

Of love

Of strength

Of relief

Of silence

Of laughter

Of all those things and so much more

I reach out to see not where I have been,

But with God, I see where I am

With hope I see not how to get to where I am going

But I see where I can be.

I need to be where I am

With God at my side

My trust comes from

appreciating

where I am.

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