Coach's

One of my kids came over to visit today….. her excuse was she needed to walk! uh uh….. I think it’s more like she wanted to make sure Mom was walking. However, I appreciated the company….

It’s amazing how a good coach can help you brighten your attitude, give you an honest assessment of your performance, and offer ways to help you improve…. encouragement does wonders.....

(confession with a red face), I had been slipping my house shoes on to go outside and walk around the house on cement…. I was gently reminded that like it or not, I need to take time to put on my good walking shoes with socks for support and warmth….. ok, ok!

I was also encouraged to stop walking when it started hurting…. By doing this I realized that I feel relief much faster after sitting for a moment than I did before the surgery. We have several chairs and benches scattered around the house on the patios and there is no reason not to use them. well, I honestly thought I was supposed to walk thru pain..geez.

Time after time I was told to slow down…… “Mom, after a year of doing nothing it’s only been two weeks and you can’t expect overnight results, this is going to take time"!!! here we go again, how many times do I have to hear the same lecture!

She made me tell her every little pain, when and where it started. I now know that most of my weakness is in my right leg. There are a particular set of muscles that are tightening up which can now be identified and possibly treated….. she suggested heat and ice like one would treat any sick muscle. ok, she did have a few good ideas.

She made me realize the pain really is still different than it was before the surgery. Improved pain……. What a concept! Sometimes when it hurts all over it’s hard to pin point the real problem, so that’s another place a good coach can help with. ok, so some times the coach is right....geez.

She promised another session soon. More walking of course, but maybe along with some window shopping and lunch out……hey, now you’re talking!

I AM willing to suffer for that gold medal……… All you need is a good coach!

The race is on......

As I watch the athletes compete during the Olympics in Vancouver, each of them trying their best to win the gold medal, I do understand what they’re going through, both the winners and the losers. This morning I had coffee, breakfast, showered and dressed, made the bed and started a load of laundry, and got it all done by 9:30! Don’t laugh it sure beats the time’s I’ve posted throughout this past year. The frustrations come when I compare this to 5 years ago, by 9:30 I already had a full day’s work behind me.

I am feeling a lot better, but I am so very slow…. Slow to the point that I am embarrassed about it. What happened to my speed!…..Though I’m much, much better, and almost recovered from the surgery itself, the finish line seems to be a long way from where I am, it’s still taking me longer than I had hoped for.

I could come up with a ton of excuses…. Weather for one, we have yet another winter storm approaching and the cold just makes everything harder. Age for another, I know my body cannot be expected to bounce back like a 30 year old, but hey, no 66 year old should be this slow. Health history could be considered, but I don’t wish to live in the past. Excuses are just that, a way to get out of doing what we’re really capable of but can’t quite accomplish due to our lack of commitment to overcome?

I have questioned myself daily if I made the right decision by having this surgery, at first I was sure the old pain had left, and then as time went on I could feel it again…. I haven’t posted much because now I’m not so sure the surgery helped that much. It’s still hard to tell if the pain I feel after I’ve walked for a while is just muscles and nerves waking up or if the old pain is returning. Either way, walking is still difficult, about 5 minutes in one stretch is about all I can stand… I don’t like writing that and I don’t like admitting it may not be ALL right. However I still have hope. I still believe with strengthening, stretching, and whatever else I CAN do, I will be further ahead.

When the downhill skiers make their runs at close to 80 mph and come to a precipice that catapults them flying into mid air, their landings are blind, but the fear of crashing does not keep them from taking the jump. What an inspiration to anyone on pursuit of their own gold medal!

I can’t see the finish line yet, and at this rate I’ve decided it may be awhile before I can, there are moments when I want to just stop, set down in the snow, and cry. As far as competition, I turn around and the only person I see behind me is yours truly, a little slow out of the gate but gaining by the inch. Which one of us will get to stand on the podium as the winner? It remains to be seen.

I just went back on the blog and re-read Matrix #8. Turtle woman indeed! Evidently it doesn’t matter how long it takes me, getting there should be sufficient and the glory of doing my best in God’s own time will be enough, if I can it let it be.

I guess two weeks of "training" does not a medalist make.....?

Update

After all the waiting, preparations, anxious days, a bit of pain and a few odd experiences, my surgery is over. Done, behind me, and a part of the past.

I am recuperating well, just trying to get my strength built back. This will be accomplished with time and some effort on my part. I am still suffering some “after surgery” effects, but for the most part I believe it was a successful journey. The on-going process of all this is my attempt to strengthen and maintain the health of all those damaged muscles. That’s means a regime of specific exercises for the rest of my lifetime. Physical and mental.

Lecture to myself that I want to share:

I believe deeply in the power of the mind. When bad things loom on the horizon our fear can stifle our abilities to confront them if we let it. But, there is something about human nature that gives us that needed determination to meet them head on, to go through what we must. It’s called survival I guess.

Survival is never easy, it’s just necessary. The option is to give up but that does not necessarily mean we get the instant gratification of death, God just doesn’t work that way. So, giving up will most likely only bring us a life of defeat and misery. Even with the pain of survival we at least know that we’re doing everything possible to make it all right again. The rest really is up to God.

The process of restoration continues:

I have been told I must wait at least 6 weeks before I can have the next surgery, even though it will be a minor one. My body needs at least that amount of time before I put it through the rigors of the next hurdle. For now, I must work hard to give myself what I need……to get the past behind me as quickly as possible to rebuild towards and for the future. Since I will not settle for the option of giving up, survival is the answer.

Survival in the best way possible…. A walk in the sunshine sounds like a good way to start.

more crossings.....

And the last two items can now be marked done and crossed off the list....

preparations for the trip and the trip....

We arrived at my doctor's town today, the travel was good. The window between storms opened just enough to give us dry roads and clear skies. Though it's really cold we didn't have to deal with wind or snow....

The camper is snuggled in the rv park, leveled, hooked up to water, sewer, elect. and propane for heat, and the furnace is running... We have everything we need and just anxiously await the big day......

Monday I go thru the registration process and pick up my admittance packet......Tuesday I meet the doctor in his office to go over details of the surgery.......and Wednesday is cutting day! I shall be walking (if not running) the halls that afternoon, and am already practicing my "let me outta here" speech to be presented on Wednesday evening or Thursday morning......

"Sweet thang" tells me he won't let me keep the computer in the hospital room over night because he doesn't think I would get the sleep I might need for playing on it, but he'll bring it to me for awhile on Wed. when I wake up. I'll make sure to let you all know I'm still able to write. While I'm sleeping and the dr. is practicing his knife skills, "sweet thang" is under orders to get the wine chilled so we can celebrate when I get back to the camper..... Who needs drugs if there's a good bottle of merlot waiting.......

Thank you all for your prayers and support and encouragement... with that and the vision of walking without pain, my attitude is in great shape.

There is so much more to come! They're throwing me another vine and tarzan isn't about to miss it......... I'll update more later when I've got it in hand.....

Sifting through the ashes......

The doctor’s nurse called…… they need a written release from my heart doctor, so I’m working on getting that. Within a two week time frame before surgery, (any time after the 20^th of this month) they need a full blood panel test and a chest x-ray. I’ll be getting those done at the end of this week.. Those results will be faxed to his office.

And on it goes……just basic things that have to be done in order to start rebuilding me…… Feb. 3^rd is still the target date for step number one……

I first met “EP” on a cancer forum over the internet a few years ago when he wrote a poem about “Restoration”….. He had survived a horrendous bout with cancer which almost claimed his life, and was currently in the process of trying to rebuild himself and find a way when our paths crossed……At that point, I too was struggling to come to grips with my cancer diagnosis and I closely related to what he was saying.

I have come to love the word “restoration”…..A beautiful word, simple, but one which holds so much meaning. It allows me to envision the process I am going through, and I will forever be indebted to him, both for his tenacity in reconstruction, his showing me the true meaning of that word, and for his talent in writing.

No less than Phoenix rising from the ashes, we are rebuilding our bodies and lives, but it must be done layer by layer, starting with sifting through the ashes, examining each tiny fleck of dust or cell that caused us to crumble in the first place…

At that time, I was still able to walk and sure that I could find a way to deal with my back problems while also learning to deal with my cancer, only I found that my cancer was over shadowing everything else in my life….. Not the pain so much, but the importance of the pain. Therefore, I had a lot of “head restoration” to go thru before I could even begin to start on my “physical restoration”.

The head work is ongoing….. Just when I think I have one thing figured out, up pop’s another one with a new challenge…. And it continues, and that is a good thing. During the year following my cancer diagnosis I did a lot of thinking about my own mortality, and my strengths, and I believe that prepared me for successfully dealing with the heart attack…..

Now it’s almost like starting at the bottom again… a return to the back and leg problems, getting those repaired as best I can which will enable me to continue the rest of the restoration process. Once the back/legs are rebuilt, then I can go on to the next project….more ashes to sift through.

Restoration in any form is not easy, but as with any project starting with a strong basic foundation is imperative. Starting at the bottom......

preparing my mind done and crossed off the list,

diagnosis and MRI done and crossed off the list,

A plan with the doctor done and crossed off the list,

A date set done and crossed off the list,

registration for the hospital done and crossed off the list,

visiting with the doctor’s nurse concerning time lines done and crossed off the list,

the right attitude done and crossed off the list,

the blood work, and the x-rays, done and crossed off the list

the preparations to go out of state, and the trip

still needing work, but the diagrams and orders are in front of me…..

Ashes upon ashes and soon I will be rising….. layer by layer, the process of restoration, until I am whole again…

THE DR. CALLED!......

Ah.....Sweet relief indeed......

The doctor called, he received my reports.....had studied them, ask a lot of questions, then told me that he is pretty sure L4-L5 is what is causing me most of my problems.

He also believes that the simple

"x-stop" procedure will give me the relief I need to be able to walk without such extreme pain.

I am tentatively scheduled for surgery on Feb. 3rd..... I will travel on Feb. 1st, and check in to the hospital Feb. 2nd so I can do pre-op stuff that night, then he'll do the surgery on Wednesday Feb. 3rd, and I'll probably get to go home on Friday the 5th. This isn't set in stone yet because he wants to visit with the heart dr., and he needs to send me some papers to sign and stuff.........

Knowing doctors and hospitals I will not be surprised if all this changes..... If surgery is delayed a week, so be it..... I will do what I have to do. At least I have hope that I can walk again..... Thank you God! I will keep you updated on any further information, but for now I feel a ton of relief already...

My Copy.....

I received a copy of the radiologist report and the MRI disc in the mail today (1-6-10). Since I'm not a doctor, I can only guess what his assessment will be, but from what the report says....... L4-L5 is still a mess with some nerve involvement. (L5-S1 "demonstrating complete loss of disc height and hydration, with endplate sclerosis and bulging). There also seems to be some new bulging at L2-3 which was not present in '06.

????? Your guess is as good as mine, but at least it shows something so I know I'm not losing my mind..... I seem to always question that possibility! :)

Now I just have to wait and see what the dr. says when he gets the report..... I'm still maintaining hope that the simple x-stop will take care of it........ I should hear from the dr. by Friday or next week and we'll go from there......

Stay tuned*******