Young Love

I was 13 years old, it was still summer but just a few weeks before I was to start high school… Having an older sister who was away at college but had attended the same high school gave me an idea as to what to expect. I knew a few people from her class who also had siblings attending high school and there were some of my neighbors so I was not a total stranger, but nervous nonetheless. The high school located in town, was a foreign world…..

Town – a main street about 3 blocks long…. At that time it had two grocery stores, a pool hall (the smoker), a barber shop, a bank, a post office, the drug store, the Kat’s cage, the Mason building, “Mayer’s” which sold magazines, cigarettes, candy, etc…a movie theater, the "grill" which was a small cafe, a small hardware store…. And the old elevators.. Across the railroad tracks near the highway to the south set a couple of filling stations, a restaurant, and the Palladium… If you wanted anything else you had to drive to other towns. Our house set to the north of town…3 miles north and two miles east….

As the oil field boom had hit in the 30’s one oil field supply store was built near the north edge of town on main street, then the town passed a law that no others could move in…. from then on all the oil field supply stores moved to a larger town west of us about 30 miles. They grew to fairly sized city and it remains the center for oil field activity today, while our little town has lost most of the buildings listed above, leaving barely a ghost town.

Just next to the drug store, some parents had gotten together and created the “Kat’s Cage”, you had to be at least 13 years old, a teenager, to be allowed in). They had an old 45 rpm record player where you could play your favorites hooked into loud speakers, and a juke box, with tables set around a small dance floor… they also ran a small malt shop where you could order drinks & fries and sandwiches. Finally I was old enough and found my way there with a neighbor friend who could drive.

I was also a “Rainbow girl” … for those who don’t know, it was a branch of the mason’s and eastern star which was the only reputable organization in town for adults, Catholics did not participate but most other religions did and it was used for other social events because it had a kitchen and serving room in it.…. Through rainbow girls, I met several other girls my age and who would be freshmen with me. Coming from a country school, that was my introduction to high school in town…. Several of the eastern star ladies volunteered their time to lead us through various rituals, and my Mother played the piano for our music.

The day I got to go to the Kat’s cage I was so excited! I had fussed all morning trying to figure out what to wear.…. There were new friends and a chance to see what was beyond “cow creek” and that little girl whose life had been spent among the trees, nature, coon hunting with my dad, fishing in the creek, building tree houses with my neighborhood friends, cooking with my mother and the little tarzan searching for herself…..

Sitting at a table with a couple of other girls, suddenly I spotted this boy named “Jim” walking towards me … he asked me to dance, I accepted, and that was the first meeting of a 15 year old boy and a 13 year old girl that would go on for over 50 years….. Simply, there was something special about him….. little did I know just how special.

Then high school started….. There was a yearly “initiation” of the freshmen, the first day we were all paraded in and introduced during assembly. The other kids set in the raised chairs above one side the gym…. Jim was setting beside one of his friends “Pete”… As we were led in and told to set on huge ice blocks for the torture part of the ceremony, Pete pointed to Kathy and said “I’ll take that one”, and Jim pointed to me and said “I’ll take that black haired one”.

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The “Palladium“, a honky tonk out on the highway, was a raunchy, foot stomping, popular joint with a reputation throughout the state and beyond. They had some big name groups stop by on a few Saturday nights, but on Friday nights they turned it over to the teenagers, even though adults were also welcome. They hired local 50’s bands or run a juke box for dancing…. It had a huge dance floor and seated a lot of people.

Kansas was a “dry state” so that meant no alcohol could be sold… however; that didn’t stop you from bringing in your own bottle. All the tables had a shelf under them to lay your bottle, then mixes could be ordered, but that was only for adults…. Teenagers had to go outside to get a drink where their bottles were kept in their cars…..

November 15^th, the night of my 14^th birthday I had a girl friend coming to stay all night at my house. The plans were we would go to the football game at the high school, then to the “Palladium”. My friend’s older brother, who the folks knew because he was in my older sister’s class, was going to bring us home and have us there by our 11:00 curfew.

Then things changed…. Jim was at the Palladium also. We were asked to join he and his friends table…. Jim and I danced all evening, set beside each other, and he asked about taking me home. I explained the situation, that it was my birthday day, my friend was spending the night with me and her older brother Eddy was taking us home. It wasn’t long before Jim was talking to him....Eddy came to tell us he had other plans so (Jim) and another guy would take a few others that needed delivered home before 11, and Eddy’s little sister & I out to my house …… I think there were 7 crammed in Jim’s old 52 Chevy.

As it turned out someone else drove Jim’s car and he ended up in the back seat with me…. I got home on time and thank goodness the folks didn’t get up or make a fuss when we came in…. What they didn’t know, my lips were swollen from “kissing” a little too passionately… I held ice on my face the rest of the night to get the swelling down, while my friend and I whispered about our first “real” evening of freedom as freshmen….

The next weekend Jim called for a real date…. We went to the movies and seen “Giant” with Rock Hudson, James Dean, and Elizabeth Taylor. An epic that will forever remain one of my favorite movies of all time….

Though I didn’t know at that time anything the future had to hold, I had found my forever best friend, my lover, a new life, and the beginning of a journey which will eventually bring me to today…..

Our Year, 2011 to date - Part I

Following is really nothing more than a journal in 4 parts. I have my doubts anyone would care that I have not posted anything all year, but I do have my reasons and it’s time to catch up! I do this with the intention of adding “so much more” as the future comes and goes….. It’s been a year we will not soon forget….

This was THE year of our 50^th wedding anniversary…. “sweet thang” and I celebrating our journey together since June 4^th, 1961. Our children begin talking about this actually in 2010, and wanted to plan a party for friends and family. We also thought this would be a nice idea, but along with that we wanted to do something special just for us… That was the beginning of our searching for and finding the perfect trip. After much research, we settled on a 30 day cruise to the South Pacific. You can go through the planning and waiting for the departure date and the trip by visiting my travel blog at: http://beyondthebackdoor-beyondthebackdoor.blogspot.com/

To start at the beginning please click on the labels to the right of the blog entries. The first one will be labeled “south pacific waiting on the horizon”, and should be at the top of the list.

Returning from our trip on April 15^th the year was going fast and the anniversary party approaching quickly, the kids continued to work on the party, there was so much to do! Not having the facilities in our homes to entertain the over 100 people we wanted to attend, we contacted a large hotel to handle all we wanted to do. Arrangements were made, invitations sent out, and before we knew it the date was here!… June 3rd^th brought out of state guests arriving, a beautiful dinner/dance on the 4^th, and a farewell breakfast on the 5^th. It was a wonderful 3 days of memories and celebration.

However; A lot had transpired during the time we returned from our trip and the date of the party so let me go back…..

Going in for a regular medical checkup with my GP on April 25^th, he suggested a ct scan just to make sure I didn’t have any vascular problems that could be causing the pain in my back/hip/leg. I was able to get that scheduled on the 28^th. That evening I got the phone call. I was told that in looking at the scan, the radiologist discovered a mass near the top of my right lung. Immediately a biopsy was scheduled for May 5^th. The tumor sample was taken to the lab then analyzed with a 2^nd tissue sample sent out to be confirmed, and proven to be “non small cell adneocarcinoma”, Or in layman terms, Lung Cancer. An appointment with my oncologist (the same one who handles my non Hodgkin’s lymphoma) was made for May 9^th.

The biopsy caused my lung to collapse, so I had to go back to the hospital every day for about a week to check its progress with eventual reattachment. A pet scan with contrast was ordered for May 11^th, a brain MRI was scheduled for May 12^th, (the same day our grandson had his National Junior Honor Society banquet) plus, our oldest granddaughter graduated from college that weekend. We stayed near her college in a hotel on Friday evening.

Meeting with the oncologist again on May 19^th, he said the brain MRI was negative showing no cancer there, and the pet scan showed that the mass was contained in my lung so an appointment was made to see a recommended “thoracic surgeon” that afternoon. After meeting with him and explaining our upcoming 50^th wedding anniversary party, a biopsy on my mediastinum was scheduled for June 8^th with a pre-surgery apt. stuck in there on June 6^th including a (PFT) pulmonary function test.

There was “some” activity that lit up in the mediastinum, the nodes not yet determined to be either the lung cancer or the lymphoma, but not enough to alter the plan of removing my right upper lobe following the biopsy.

Getting through the meeting with my oncologist, I was more concerned that everything was on schedule for our party than I was the surgery. I had sworn my family to secrecy to keep anyone else from knowing about all this because I didn’t want our 50 year celebration to be turned into a “pity party”…. It needed to be celebrated for what it was, two people being married 50 years…..not a gathering to feel sorry for the cancer patient. This was a good idea, but it made it hard on all of us. I confided on line, in my old friend ep which to this day I am forever grateful for his support. It literally got me through some very rough days after my diagnosis. I had already written an email for the kids to send out to everyone who attended the party after they returned home letting them know what was going on. The surgery was already scheduled; we just didn’t know the outcome, so that paragraph would be added later.

The party turned out to be everything we wanted, it was wonderful to see and spend time with everyone. All through this, I was not so worried about what was to come from the surgery, and I told the family all along that they probably wouldn’t do the surgery anyway! Nonetheless, 3 days after the party I packed my little bag and away we went to the hospital.

I entered the hospital the morning of June 8^th and was taken to the prep room. My family was with me, (sweet thang and all three kids plus my sister). I was hooked to the IV so all of the fluids, and happy juice could begin to flow through me…..From my bed I could see my oncologist and the surgeon with their heads together having a conversation about something… I wasn’t sure why the oncologist was there, but I guessed it was about me, and I was right.

At the last minute the surgeon had decided to take one last look at the pet scan where he discovered, hidden behind the urethra activity that lit up on the scan, that there was a metastasized lesion behind it on my pelvic bone. At the same time, he found another spot that had just recently appeared on my ninth thoracic vertebra. Because the cancer had already spread to at least two other places, they entered my little prep room and explained that it did not make sense to put me through a normally rough surgery and all it entailed with possibly months of recuperation. That surgery was canceled, they instead installed a port, and I was allowed to go home that evening after scheduling the beginning of chemo on June 29^th…. To be continued………

Our Year, 2011 to date - Part II

With the surgery on June 8^th canceled, and being told that since it had already metastasized, there were just too many places to radiate, chemotherapy was my only option. My first treatment was scheduled for June 29^th. I was to attend “chemo school” on June 21^st…. They wanted my port surgery to heal some and of course the drugs needed to be ordered and I had to be worked in to an already very busy schedule. It seemed like forever just waiting on that day to arrive.

Then on Saturday June 18^th, I noticed my left shoulder and upper arm ached some but didn’t pay much attention to it. On Sunday my arm and hand was swollen. On Monday the 20^th, you could not tell I had a wrist. I called for an appointment with my GP, thinking I may have been bitten by a spider or some such thing. I got in to see him the morning of the 21^st, my (chemo school day)! The doctor looked at my arm and immediately ordered an ultra sound with orders for us not to leave town until he called me. We went for lunch and about half way through the cell phone rang… it was his nurse telling me I had a DVT (deep vein thrombosis) or in layman’s terms a blood clot, and I was to go to ER immediately… I called my daughter who works there and she met us to be with her Dad, and get me settled in…. I was immediately hooked up to a Heparin drip where I lay for the next 3 days…. Finally with the blood clot dissolved I was put on Lovenox shots that I gave myself at home, and Coumidin to be taken daily. Being one who hates needles of any kind, this was very difficult to accept. Thank goodness the shots were stopped after about two weeks! I was so very excited to get home…

The “chemo school” was rescheduled for the 27^th where I learned all about what some of the drugs they were going to give might cause in the way of side effects, questions and answers between myself, my husband and the instructor, were gone over including subjects such as “can I have an occasional glass of wine to when will my hair fall out”…We also talked about finances and what my Medicare & supplement plan would cover, A side note here that with the price of chemotherapy, I pay about $4 a month for everything I am getting. Otherwise we would be broke! I also was taken on a a tour of the infusion room, the snack areas, etc……. A very full and productive day!

Then on June 29^th, we leave bright and early in the morning for my first chemo. The drugs of choice were Taxol and Carboplatin. Avastan is normally give to make a trio, but that was taken out of my regime due to my heart problems.

I cannot write this without giving tribute to the “Chemo Nurse”. They have been so wonderful from day one. They work very hard, handling many patients with a very special touch. My chemo nurse took me through what would be happening to me during my infusion and they made the first access to my port very easy with very little pain.

It was a long day…. Because Taxol can cause allergic reactions in some it is infused very slowly so they told me to plan on being there for at least 6 hours if not 8. I planned accordingly thanks to on-line friends giving me some tips……taking my computer, plenty of water, some snacks, my neck pillow, some Kleenex, my ID’s, (insurance cards & driver’s license) and thanks to Sylv who had already been through this, I took some female pads due to bladder weakness. She wisely forewarned me that with all water I would be drinking which should be a lot to help my kidneys flush the chemicals, that of course the more you drink the more you go and those trips to the bathrooms can be delayed. Since I chose a chair near the window in the back of the room to be near the wi-fi for my computer access, I had a distance to travel to the bathroom….. It was a long day….Starting at 9:00 that morning and finishing at 4:00, then home by 5:00 I was happy when it was over.

The day went well, “sweet thang” set with me for part of the morning then left to go fill some of the prescriptions they had given us. After he left, my daughter showed up to check on me, then “sweet thang came back then left again to get us some lunch….. Being left alone I looked around to see many who were much worse off than I.

After we got home I can honestly say the only “side effect” I had was total exhaustion. That was just too bad because they had given me a high dose of steroids with my infusion so sleep simply did not happen that night….or the next. To be continued……

Our Year, 2011 to date - Part III

The next day we had our coffee in the morning and “sweet thang” went over to the shop to see the boys, have a cup with them and bring home the mail. In about an hour he came back in the house and stood in front of me saying he didn’t feel good….he looked a bit pale. He then set down in his chair and said “I didn’t want to say anything but I think I’m having a heart attack”. Since the phone is right by my chair I reached over and picked it up and called our GP’s office and handed the phone to “sweet thang”…… He started to tell the receptionist his symptoms, she quickly put a nurse on the line, and she ask him several questions….. Determining that he did not need an ambulance, she ask if there was anyone here who could drive him to ER…. He argued with her and said why can’t I just come to the office?..... She said because we don’t have what it might take to save your life here, so we would just put you in one and take you to ER anyway. That being said, he hung up, I called our son and he drove him over to the hospital. As soon as they left I called my daughter to meet them there.

Hanging up from talking to her I had a sinking moment. I cried as I set here helpless, wanting only to hold him closely. It had already been an awfully long year. I was scared to death, not sure what to expect from myself and the chemo treatment, and for him not knowing what was going to happen in the hours ahead….My daughter promised to update me with any new developments as they transpired. I was beginning to not feel very good myself…..

Getting to the hospital, they got him on oxygen & nitro as soon as he got to ER and immediately he started feeling better. That told them, something was not right. They did an EKG and admitted him… The on call heart specialist visited later that afternoon and told him they needed to keep him there and run a few more tests and observe. That night and the following day they did a few more blood tests but mostly just let him rest. He expected to come home that evening but the doctor said he would feel much better if they did another test the following day because they really did not know at this point what was wrong, but something was definitely not right.

I wanted so badly to go over and be with him, but my daughter the nurse said no way was I to get anywhere near the hospital, that my chemo treatment made me vulnerable to germs and that’s the last place I needed to be. She did call often, and once testing was over that day, he was able to call so we spent a lot of time with each other on the phone…. I could not sleep again due to the steroids they had give me prior to and during the infusion…

The following morning the doctor came in again and my daughter was in on the conversation. He gave them 3 options… They could do a regular stress test on the treadmill, or do a drug induced stress test, or his recommendation, which was to go in with an angiogram and look around, to be followed by an angioplasty if needed. Each procedure was discussed and all agreed that the 3^rd option would be best… He was prepped for surgery immediately.

My son and other daughter went to be with their sister, and my son in law let me know he was close by if I needed anything. When they did get the instruments inside “sweet thang” to take a look, they discovered that he had a left dominate heart, meaning that his main artery branched off and took a longer, left route to it’s destination. Right at the branch they found where it was 90% blocked. This called for two stents, which were difficult to put in because they both had to be put in and inflated at the same time. Every time they tried, he started shooting out blood clots! The doctor told him later it got pretty scary for a while. However; on the third time they finally were able to inflate both at the same time and they could see the blood finally pumping through easily and smoothly…. What had started out to be a simple procedure had turned into a 3 hour surgery. Whew! My daughter called me the minute he was out of surgery letting me know what the doctor had told them and that he was ok. He called me after he woke up several times that evening because he was not able to move off of his back and it was a rough night him. We talked late into the night comforting each other….

By this time, my chemo treatment was working on me…. I believe it was the 2^nd day that I begin to develop bone pain…. It hurt so badly, my pain medication was not touching it….That was the day I normally would have crashed after no sleep for three days, but because of the worry I as not able to close my eyes….

That evening my daughter called and said the hospital was quiet, Dad couldn’t rest and she knew I wasn’t resting so she made me promise that IF I didn’t touch anything and would just set quiet I could come over for an hour. My other daughter would be arriving shortly to pick me up. I hurried and got dressed, tried to mask the pain and exhaustion as best I could, my other daughter showed up and transported me to the arms of my “sweet thang”.. In 50 years we had not spent that many nights apart so this had been hard on both of us. We exchanged a big ole hug, the girls went to get carry out for supper, and we celebrated the success of his surgery together….. It was a wonderful reunion.

Him, getting dismissed later the next day, and I having crashed when I got home the night before finally brought us together again at home where we both belonged…. How much more can we take? To be continued…….

Our Year, 2011 to date - Part IV

Sweet thang continued to improve at home and is doing fine today. We’re both just very thankful that he had the foresight to tell me and the doctor he was not well.

The plan was……3 rounds of Taxol & Carboplatin, given every 21 days. My hair begin falling out on the 11^th day…. With every treatment I had bone pain on days 2, 3, 4, & 5, and a complete lack of energy. Also I developed neuropathy, (nerve damage) in my finger tips, toes, and feet. My fingernails are pretty much gone. I also went through some periods of time with taste changes, nausea, and mouth sores.

Most Chemotherapy is accumulative….meaning that it stays in your system, so by the time the next treatment comes around, your blood counts are somewhat lower than they were at the beginning of the one before… Also each treatment is a little stronger as it joins the prior treatment. By the end of 3 rounds, my side effects were quite severe. Bone pain and Neuropathy being the worst.

I would be scanned after 3 treatments to see if it was doing the job it was meant to do….. Contain the tumors with no new growth….. with a treatment at the end of June, the middle of July and the second week of August, the summer had slipped away….. I was scanned the end of August with my next appointment with the oncologist early in September. On September 2^nd the oncologist begin to speak almost before he entered the room….as the door opened I could see the look of disappointment on his face as he told me, “It doesn’t appear that the treatment worked like we had hoped. There was slight growth in the main lung tumor.” He continued that the good news was that none of the other lesion’s had appeared to have any change at all which meant they had been kept contained, but with the growth on the lung tumor we were going to have to try something else.

He had considered a “clinical trial” but there was another drug that had shown promise…. Alimta which had been used as a first line therapy in mesathelioma with some success, was now being considered as a second line therapy for other lung cancers…… I would have a B-12 shot that day, start on a regular daily dose of folic acid, and receive my first treatment on September 9^th……

Which in a nutshell brings us to today…… The 2^nd treatment was on Sept. 29^th, and my next treatment is scheduled for October 21^st. (which is the 3^rd one of this drug Alimta). A couple of weeks after that I will be scanned again to see if this drug is doing any good. If so they may continue with more of it, and if not we’ll wait and see.

Rather than continue on with postings of what this has done to me emotionally, and physically, the feelings I have been through, and the feelings I have today….. I’m going to end this now and go back to some other stories….possibly posting a few more “old stories” which I think you will enjoy reading. I am SO MUCH MORE than this cancer I’m speaking of.

I would like to leave you on this posting with a current update that I am doing fine today! My blood cells have almost rebuilt back to normal levels, we took an overnight trip during the weekend, we’re going to visit my aunt tomorrow who is a shut in, and I’ll be there for my treatment on Friday. My good days go quickly so I need to cram as much into them as possible while I am having them.

As I sit here writing, “sweet thang” is tinkering out in garage…. I decided for whatever reason to finally bring this blog up to date…. I cough now and then and have some soreness on the lung tumor side….and I take stomach pills for what they think is an ulcer…. There is a possibility I have cracked a rib due to a fall I took a couple of months ago and it does not seem to be going away. I am also still fighting the old back pain, and this time of year I have been dealing with pollen allergies… I have also developed a couple of new food allergies I’ll tell you about in some later postings…rather interesting I think. Otherwise, I am doing quite well, not ready yet to stop treatments so if this drug doesn’t work I am hoping he has another one to offer….. If not I will have some more learning to do…..

I will close this with the best advice I’ve been given to date – Take it “One day at a time”….. I know for sure my saga will end in death, but then your’s will too…….

I came back this morning and edited this..... The last sentence sounds so mean. I didn't mean it to be that way. A better way to say it is that my condition is terminal - as of yet there is no cure for lung cancer and not a lot of hope. Depending on how aggressive it is, one is given from 6 months to possibily 5 years. Because it has already spread in me, my prognisis probably will not reach the maximum. I can't out guess it.

The point I wanted to make is that none of us know how long we'll have on this old earth but when the end is thrown right in your face you have no choice but to deal with it. I've decided I hope to make the most of whatever time I have left, and I urge the reader to do the same...... Live it while you have it and don't let a few aches and pains stop you from seeing and doing the most you can..Until you can't any more.......Until then, there is “so much more”…..

And I'm Done!

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Without going back through all of the items, I have reached the bottom of "MY" list.....

Now what........

How to leave it all behind......

How to accept that I have done all I can and it’s time to move on.....

There are still a couple of little items that will be a constant companion for the rest of my life but there is nothing more I can do about them.

The back which there may be no answer for

The cancer which will always be with me in some form or another

The on-going heart health and keeping it on the plus side.

I capitalized in quotes, “MY” in the first sentence because I have only had control over what I can do to help myself and that list is now complete. The rest is up to God, I know He has His own list and that remains to be seen.

For now it’s a matter of the relief I feel having accomplished what I promised to myself..... It’s been my job for a long time.

However; it is also a huge adjustment to get on with life. I have lived for 5 years with health problems and health fixes and I’m used to it.

I have become “comfortable” with my cancer and dealt with living with it.

I have accepted my heart condition and dealt with it.

I have accepted my back problems and though I get frustrated with the constant pain I am resigned to it and will do what I can in the future to improve it.

Now it’s time to throw away the lists of medical issues and allow myself to live life with what I have......... Once again I am starting down a new path.... a path without constant doctor’s appointments.

It’s time to have some fun, travel, entertain, keep positive people in my life, tell some stories and enjoy my newly found freedom.......

All the boxes have been checked. There really is “so much more” and I’m on my way out the door to search for it..... Happy days are here again.

Cobwebs

Believe me, the picture of cobwebs above is a lot prettier than the real cobwebs in the corner of my ceiling......

Both eye surgeries went well and the beauty of seeing better includes some things I would rather not! Yes, I have since wiped down all the corners of my ceilings and they are now minus the cobwebs that had been hiding there..... (or hanging there, and I just didn't see them) How many other things have I missed?

Funny thing about cobwebs, that’s a good way to describe how my mind feels sometimes, a bit crowded with old things that need wiped out, and beautiful, intricate, woven patterns of my left over wanderings......

You can see large smooth, easy going strands that must have been good days in that old spider’s life. You can also see a few tiny circles when she must have been having an off day and just didn’t want to do much.

There are some very crooked ones and one with crosses where she really got confused in where she was going or where she was. Some of them are thicker which shows she probably had to go back and do a some over..... Some are very broken and thinned and some are reinforced... You can tell she had to start over more than once....

She created her defense mechanism to catch any invaders, and also created a way to protect her home, her heart and a place she can aways go back to. she created a way to survive.....

With the removal of the cataracts the light is now able to shine in and the world looks so much brighter. Not only are the shadows and darkness gone, but those surgeries were the last two things on my repair list...... I get tested for my new glasses on February 17th..... I have a lot to celebrate.

I have made my cobweb a bit stronger.....the invaders are at bay.....and I am safe and home and content that all of my weaving is worth it. There is so much more waiting on me...... Further cleaning out of the old ones and exciting new patterns to create........