The Search

Of everything
There is so much more than a name
There is so much more than an age
There is so much more than what you see
There is so much more beyond me

Thursday, April 9, 2009


the lovely dandelion.......
A friend of mine just sent me a picture of some beautiful little spring flowers poking their pretty heads thru the ground to welcome Spring in all it’s new born glory…….. another one wrote……”spring, yippee”!.......My sis just sent an email and said she had gotten all of the bulbs in the mail that she had ordered a month ago, and had spent all day outside getting them in the ground and could life get any better than this?........
Well guess what. Yeah, sis, like last winter when we had 3 foot snow drifts……
Spring……. I like your rainy days, but I know you won’t last long and summer will be upon us……Here is what I am facing……..
WEEDS! @#$!@#@#$! Dandelions are only the beginning….IF you can keep up with those, look out because it won’t be long before 50 different species find their way into the flowerbeds…..not to mention the grass that dies in the yard but flourishes in the gardens…..Here comes the back breaking, hand callusing, knee bruising work, and lots of it.

Then there are those long, never-ending days when (thanks to the idiot people who invented daylight savings time), it’s still light outside when it’s actually time to go to bed! Does anyone else feel guilty if you’re not outside working until 9:00 every night.? Your neighbors are….what’s wrong with you? If you do try to get some work done during the day, you’ll have to be prepared to sweat. Which reminds me, don’t ya just love the allergies when the trees bud out and the winds blow pollen through the air until you’re forced to wear a mask if you want to breath?

Yard work, yard work, and more yard work…. I have yet to walk outside to just set on the patio for awhile without seeing a weed to pull or something to fix, or an area that needs attention. Consequently, forget about relaxing in the paradise you’ve worked so hard to create outside, it’s impossible!  

Oh yes, and did I mention the millions of out of state tourists who’s travel begins right after school is out and lasts all summer? Not only do they take over your favorite fishing hole, and crowd you out of your favorite restaurant, and force you to wait in line an hour to get the boat launched on your favorite lake, but forget trying to take a normal drive in the mountains….. the traffic quadruples on a slow day and driving over 15 mph is speeding according to the lookyloos who hug the middle of the hiway even on the sharp curves, while Sunday driving on a Tuesday! 

Oh yes, and there is the bird poop everywhere you step….. The yard needing mowed every time you turn around….. Snakes and spiders making themselves at home within your boundries and thinking they have every right to be there. Don’t forget the bugs that love to fly around your ears when you’re trying to work or relax, and will eat you alive if you stand still for over 30 seconds…..

On top of all that, my husband enjoys having company over and grilling a casual supper outside for the guests……fine….he stands there and turns a hamburger over twice and claims to be cooking…….that’s after I’ve spent half the day making all the side dishes, and carrying half the kitchen out of the house to the patio, then back in after everyone leaves! Wasn’t it my granddad who declared the world had gone crazy when he exclaimed “We used to go to the bathroom outdoors and eat in the house – now we go to the bathroom indoors and eat outside! I don’t think I’ve ever had a barbecue or gone to a barbecue that the wind didn’t decide to come up at some point and blow dirt all over the food……

I know very few outdoor enthusiasts and fair weather friends who will agree with me, but I crave, and so love the dark dreary days of winter when a HOT breakfast tastes good.   When you can enjoy the comfort of sitting in front of the fire place on a cold, snowy evening and relax in the calmness of the snow and ice that keeps the world less active and running in a lower gear. Having the oven in the kitchen on with the odors of hot bread baking, or a pot of stew on top of the stove.   Watching kids make snowmen, sledding, and bundling up in ear muffs and gloves when one goes outside.   The joys of skiing down a beautiful mountain run early in the morning before the crowds hit the slopes, and hot chocolate.

Winter time to me, means a feeling of security……a natural way to stay protected from the outside world and I am at my best in the grips of a blizzard when I can be at home.

Ok, I’ll give ya the fact that after a very long, long winter,…. a day or two of sunshine does feel good…… It IS nice to get to go fishing now and then…. And the flowers ARE pretty (if someone else does the weeding), but come on, if you don’t have to work out in the elements, those flakes falling from the sky can be beautiful too…….Another plus for fall and winter are Thanksgiving and Christmas with all of our favorite foods like turkey & dressing and Prime Rib and home made candies……In the spring all we have is an Easter bunny that lays eggs, and jelly beans…..

So, welcome spring and summer, I guess there is nothing I can do but put up with you until you leave again……but I do hope you hurry outta here……
Please come back soon winter, I will miss you while you’re gone…….
Ok - tongue in cheek post, but I really DO Love winter......and I'm dreading the hot dry weather of the months ahead......    Bah Humbug on spring, but Happy Easter anyway!!..... :)

Monday, April 6, 2009

Survivors Guilt

I didn’t do anything to deserve…………

being here!

This morning I heard 4 different stories that prompted my thoughts for today….

Had a note from an acquaintance that a mutual friend had a stroke last Tuesday. She reportedly is working on regaining some of her speech, and “can use her right arm and leg”. Further testing is being done to figure out why the stroke happened.

Got a message on the cancer board that a friend who also has non hodgkins lymphoma was hospitalized because of her MS, after an episode of her arm going numb. It has been determined that it’s the MS acting up and was not a stroke as first feared. While she is in the hospital they are doing scans and other tests to check her cancer status.

Learned that another member of the cancer board has suffered a transformation of her follicular NHL to Diffuse large B cell meaning that her cancer is now very active and she will probably have to undergo very harsh chemo and a stem cell transplant which will be extremely hard on her.

Received an email from a friend who’s sister suffered a heart attack during a thyroid surgery which left her blind and with diminished motor skills, and brain trauma. She is now starting rehab – she and her family are completely overwhelmed.

To the first one I wrote that I knew her strength and knew without a doubt that she would do what she had to do to work her way back….

To the second one I wrote that my prayers were with her, and I was so grateful she had not suffered a stroke.

For the third one, I am sending encouragement and am trying to help her research clinical trials that may be available to her. 

To the fourth one I wrote that I was sure her sister could overcome her problems given time and with the support of her family.

Wow – what a boat load of bad news to swallow in one day. Each of these people are dear, wonderful, brave and very special people…… As soon as the first one heard about my heart attack I received a very encouraging letter from her. Now she is fighting a much harder fight, and she’s done nothing to deserve all she is going through.

The one with MS and NHL is in a wheel chair most of the time now. It’s not enough that she has had to suffer thru cancer, but has to helplessly watch the eventual loss of her limbs? She did nothing to deserve that.  As a tribute to her, she has taught me much and made me see that my problems are small compared to what she and others are going thru!  She keeps a great attitude and is always encouraging others….

As far as the third one, she has so much ahead of her and she's done nothing to deserve this setback with her cancer....   She was my "watch & wait" buddy for a long time then had to forge ahead with one round of chemo, and now this....

And the last one - she very innocently went in for a simple surgery when a blood clot broke loose and nearly killed her….. She did nothing to deserve that and could have a lifetime of severe health issues to deal with.

I just know that any one of their problems could have been my problem also. I just as easily could have had a stroke instead of a heart attack…. I just as easily could have ended up with MS instead of a back/joint problem…..My cancer could transform at any time regardless of what I may or may not do.....and my heart attack just as easily could have left me blind and unable to function.

Why them and not me? I don’t have the answer to that. I know that is a question to which the answer is known only to God, but why did I get by so easily. Why am I still here at all. None of them deserve what happened to them. I didn’t deserve what happened to me…… And yet……..

What’s the purpose of telling you all of this?      It’s just a reminder…… It could be you, and you’ve done nothing to deserve anything like that either….. None of us can be too smug, none of us have much control – None of us can live without risk.  Hug your loved ones today – tell them how much they mean to you. Anything can happen to anyone at any time. Please remember that we are all so vulnerable, and so susceptible.  This is nothing new that hasn’t been said many times before…..but it's just a reminder.  I just want you to take a moment to think.   It doesn't always happen to other's.