The Search

Of everything
There is so much more than a name
There is so much more than an age
There is so much more than what you see
There is so much more beyond me

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Life and Light

The absence of darkness…….Light, that beautiful illumination that produces the elements necessary for us to live….. Even writing the word light, brings thoughts of the sun, of brighter days ahead and the coming of spring and summer.

Light is also seeing a smile on someone’s face, it’s getting a note from someone you haven’t heard from in a long time, it’s looking back on happy memories, and it’s hearing laughter when silence has been the dominate sound in your life.

Light is recognizing your own strength and putting it to good use, light is counting your blessings and realizing how many you have. Light can be seeing the first tulips poking their heads thru the ground with the hope of a beautiful bloom to come. Light can be hearing someone tell you how good you look…..and light can be recognizing your own weaknesses and learning to live with them.

Like everything else there are different degrees of light…… light can be a day with less pain that you had the day before. Light can be a simple sense of accomplishment when a job you’ve been dreading is completed.

It’s good to leave the cave behind……I needed it for awhile – it’s darkness allowed me to heal and gave me comfort, but oh how wonderful this light is in my life……I have crawled out to look at the sun once again and go in search of so much more………

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Cave

She walked in circles
looking for a place to be
Desperate to lie alone
At the back of the cave
Hidden from light
Empty of thought
Craving quiet without invasion
Void of sound
Needing something she could not name

The entrance beyond her grasp
With predators and fear
She could not close it off
But she could hide from it
In solitude
At the back of the cave
In the darkness

Her world had changed
Too fast
She had to escape
To exist
to the back of the cave
Where she could attempt
To retreat and understand
To search for peace
To renew

Some day, in time
She would emerge again
With trepidation
From the back of the cave
She would ease her way
To the front,
With the entrance in sight
No longer tired or weighted down
Ready to rejoin the pack
To touch the light

One of those Blocks

It even happens to people to who normally love to write, all of a sudden for no real reason, you simply cannot think of anything to write about. That seems to have been the case with “tarzan”.

I finally finished rehab classes and it was such a relief not to have to drive over there 3 times a week, I have really enjoyed just staying home and taking advantage of not having any commitments.

With all of the doctors appointments, my attempts to change my life style, and yet trying very hard to return to the way things were before the heart attack, not to mention actual work I need to catch up on here at home, I’ve felt myself being under a great deal of pressure. So much so, that it almost became overwhelming…… The expectations I had placed on myself were more than anyone could handle under the best of circumstances! The more I expected of myself, the more I felt guilty for not being able to get through it all, the worse I felt about myself, and the less I got done. One of those vicious circles that seems to have no positive end and is so hard to break.

I think the best way to break out of a situation like this, is to recognize the problem and allow yourself time to handle it, if only one step at a time. The doctors have said all of this is normal……I am really wondering now what normal is…… Regardless, I still have some projects to get done, I still need to work on improving my eating habits, and I still need to get back to regular daily exercise, and I need to write. Time will tell if I can get it all worked in. Just bear with me, I’ll get there some day.