The Search

Of everything
There is so much more than a name
There is so much more than an age
There is so much more than what you see
There is so much more beyond me

Thursday, December 31, 2009

December 31st, 2009......9:00 p.m.

I came home from the hospital one year ago today......

I don’t remember much about it……Jim says I set in my chair and he fixed us a steak for supper. He said I only ate a few bites and we went to bed early. I was so weak……

He said we woke up somewhere around midnight, kissed each other happy new year and went back to sleep. I don't remember......

I remember our first new year's eve together, I was 14 years old, we went to a movie and we kissed right at midnight..... we've kissed every new years at the strike of midnight for 52 years since. All except for last year when it was a little before or a little didn't seem to matter.

We've been through a lot together......

I only remember I felt like I had been in a war and it was just the beginning of a big battle…..

And here I am a year later....

Still battling but celebrating…..

Even more resolved than I was a year ago.....

The doctor said he let me come home too soon, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I had to come home in order to get well… live.......

I’m writing this because I need to remind myself how much further ahead I am a year later….

I’m so glad I have a year behind me…..

I’m looking forward to the coming new year….just 3 hours from now.....

I’m going to stay up and see it in…… and kiss Jim at midnight......

Happy New Year from the bottom of my heart to yours……..

And I really, really mean it.......

That Which I Never......

That Which I Never......

It’s goodbye time….. 2009 is gone, and so are a lot of other things.

Age is a strange thing….. I read once where it’s about age 50 when most of us realize that we will probably never be wealthy, or even close to it. That for common, ordinary, working folks it’s doubtful that we’ll become billionaires over night….or millionaires, or even anywhere close to having an unlimited amount of money to spend…..That’s honestly ok with me, I was probably around 50 when I figured out that I had all I really needed and the lack of money was never a big issue to me….

But now, at age 66 it’s time to get real with myself. There are some things that will just never be, and it’s time to come to grips with them.

***One thing that does bother me is, it’s a pretty sure bet that I will never be a Radio City Rockette….. I will never stand in line with the world’s most famous precision dance troupe, I will never wear the sparkly costumes, and I will never kick my leg higher than my head in time to the music, or tap my way thru the 12 days of Christmas……. Yes, once in my life I wanted that, but since one has to be between 5’6” and 5’10” to even audition, and since I never grew past 5’3”… that dream died a long time ago, but I want you to know, that even at age 66, I am a Rockette in my heart and my feet.

***Though I have my own belief’s on how cancer’s form, I will never be the research scientist published in the AMA for finding “the cure”. Sad to say, I am sure I couldn’t pass chemistry 101…… Not now anyway, and when I could have…..? head was too full of other things…. Nonetheless, I pray that I will live to see that cure come, even though I won’t be the one to discover it……

***Even though I’m sure I could, and as much as I would love to, I will probably never be ask to oversee the planning of a State dinner at the white house….

***Only in my wildest dreams can I envision me living in a tree house in a rain forest….. It is not totally beyond the realm of possibilities, but the chances of it really happening is getting slimmer each day. Indeed, Tarzan lives within me….

***I know I’ll never get to meet Jim Thorpe in person since he passed away in 1953……. But Jim Thorpe was my idol as a child…. I used to pretend that he was running along beside me across the pastures and on the creek bank….If you’ve never read the story of Jim Thorpe’s life, you must, and who knows, maybe I’ll meet him in Heaven some day…. I just want him to know how much he means to me, and how sorry I am for all that society put him thru…

***I will never live in a mansion….. Granted, this does tie into the large sums of money that I said I didn’t care about, but a “great home” does matter to me. For years I pretended in my mind what it would be like to sit in my morning room making out menu’s for the week to give to the kitchen chef, to plan parties in the grand ballroom, and to over see the gardener’s duties. I have designed that home in my mind hundreds of times…. The twisting, grand staircase, the long halls, the mammoth rooms, the marble balconies, the morning room with my desk and daily delivery of fresh flowers, the glistening, exotic wooden table that would seat 30 guests in my dining room, and the cheerful and warm parlor where I would greet those who came to visit me…..

***I doubt that I will ever write the “great American novel”…..ah yes, I know many have done it late in life and became exceptionally great author’s… Probably if I started today I would be in my 80’s when I finished it, and there is so much more to get done…..

***I will never sing at the “Grand Ole Opery”…… I did get to visit the old Ryman Auditorium and even stand on the stage where so many great performers has stood, but alas, no one will ever ask me to be a member or let me perform there as I had hoped when I was little…..

***I will never be in the olympics.... summer or winter!

You see, I’ve discovered that there comes a time in life when you really do have to let the old dreams go…… Listed above are only a few of them. I have craved for many things in my life that never happened, and I feel sad about that….. why, I do think there is a tear in my eye…..

I watched the “bucket list” and even though it was a nice movie, I set there all the way through it thinking boy that’s not what MY list would look like! I’m not going to go into my list right now because there probably isn’t enough room….. Suffice to say, there is one, as new dreams replace the old ones…

Surly I’m not the only one who have had to let go of “that which I never was, or never did, or never could, or probably never will…… have you reached the point where you’ve said goodbye to them yet?

It’s really a hard thing to do……

Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Bring it on! Wishing all of you the awakening of New and Happy Thoughts, Safe Journeys, Good Health, Love and Peace, and the Means to Explore all that life can possibly hold. May God hold your hand tightly as we go forth in search of So Much More........

Monday, December 28, 2009

Did You All Survive?

Christmas has passed for another year......whew!

It’s almost like they need to declare ”the week after Christmas” a holiday of it’s own! I know without being told, that everyone of you are suffering the same hangover I feel, of too much rich food, a messy house, chores all around, things waiting to be put away, not enough sleep, and it’s back to work for many of you with the demands of your jobs.

You can almost feel the house take a big sigh of relief as the last of the holiday company pulls out of the driveway. As I look around, the sheets need changed on the guest room bed, the tree needs taken down with all the ornaments put away for another year. Little bits of paper need picked up from the floor, other laundry to get caught up on, boxes of “stuff” that need put somewhere, and probably some additional jobs waiting on you.

With several having been in the kitchen helping, I’m sure I’ll find a few items from the last load of the dishwasher in places they’ve never been before, (some may never be found), and a few left over’s in the fridge that probably just need pitched. What does one do with one partially eaten cheese ball, and two pieces of stuffed celery that has turned to mush, and the last 4 tablespoons of the jello salad turning to water cradled in the bottom of the oversized bowl… Total chaos inside the fridge and everywhere else….

And what a wonderful chaos it truly is! The mess around me shows that the house was filled with love and activity, as was our hearts. How special this Christmas was to our family. We did have another chance to say Happy Birthday Jesus, and are looking forward to making beautiful memories to fill the new year coming. Now if I can just find my shoes!

But first things first……. I just set down, and am sampling one of the Ghirardellli chocolates filled with creamy mint flavored white chocolate that was left for me under the tree, and I think I’ll just look thru the stack of cards we’ve received…… oooooohhhh there’s another chocolate filled with caramel……..

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Happy Anniversary

Through the past year I have relived “that day” a year ago, over and over in my mind. And now a year later….today, December 23rd….2008 to 2009, I’m alive, Trying to find my way, the person that God wants.

I have asked my family a hundred questions about what all happened, every second of it….. I desperately had to know every tiny detail, and there are still questions that pop up out of nowhere.

There are tons of mixed emotions running through me as I start this day….. a bit anxious, still not fully understanding why it happened, or why I am still here. I’m a little nervous waiting for the evening hour to arrive and pass, (around 5:00 p.m.), and will be glad when the day is over.

I know I’m different.

In ways better and in ways worse. How much different? I’ll never know. I’m here because of the heroic efforts of many, and because God said I needed to come back. . I’m very thankful to God for a second chance but I’m still trying to figure out what to do with it.

It’s been a hard year because of my efforts to “get back to normal”, which normal for me, is the only life I’ve ever known, but now I’m striving to add to it and create a new normal.

Physically, mentally, and spiritually…. With relationships, finding my place in the world, a renewed vow to improve a lot of things, including myself and how I interact with the world around me.

I’m sure someone has said before that “through death you find and know life”….? If not I’m saying it, and I know it’s true.

I will spend a lot of time today counting my blessings, of which there are many. My life is here, in the moment…… I’m just trying to make the most of what was given to me…. Second chances are great, but they hold a lot of mysteries because the second time around you realize how much you didn’t know the first time around…

Little did I know when I was born that there was so much more to learn….

Little did I know when I died and came back again, there would still be so much more……. This time, I’m paying a little closer attention… Have I told you lately that I love you?

I remind myself often, that it didn’t happen to just me, it affected all of you as well. Everyone I know, everyone who reads my blog, all of my internet friends, local friends and those far away, and the love of my life that I live with every day, and my family scattered near and far……

It’s your anniversary too……

A big thank you to all who have traveled this past year with me…..

Thank you for your patience,

Thank you for overlooking many things, words and actions…

Thank you for your care and concern

Thank you for crying with me and laughing with me

Thank you for your encouragement

Thank you for what you’ve taught me

Thank you for being there.

We’ve got a long ways to go and a lot to discover together.

Happy Anniversary to all of you………and me too….

oh yes, and Merry Christmas too…..

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

My wish for you

May your heart hold dear the blessings of the season, wonderful moments with your loved ones, and the celebration of life.

From our family to yours

Merry Christmas

Monday, December 21, 2009

The Heart Buggy

What a wonderful day! I took a tray of candy over to the helicopter crews this morning. It was a great pleasure to meet all of them and I got a "tour" of the copter that saved me a year ago. Have to admit it was a bit emotional when I first met some of the crews on duty, but with "Beth's" suggestions and a lot of prayer ahead of time, I got thru it fine..... The crew that took care of me was not on duty today, but the one's that were there, is going to see my crew tonight, and was going to make sure they got at least part of the tray. I told them the goodies were for all of them just because I appreciate them being there.

I had no idea the inside of the air life copters were so small.... This one carries 4 - the pilot, 2 nurses, and the patient. I was just amazed when I looked inside and seen myself laying there. There were hugs all around and these guys remembered my name because someone had chosen my thank you note a year ago to read at a staff meeting, and I guess it still hangs in the main office.

We also delivered candy to the local fire & rescue station, and fruit baskets to the hospital ICU staff and Cath lab...... more hugs and tears, and hi-fives shared, and joy in a lot of hearts...... It was a heart warming day!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Not naked anymore!



Ok so it’s not the MOST beautiful tree in the whole world, but now that he’s got the lights and all the decorations on him, he looks quite happy! You know, on second thought, I’m sure he thinks he IS the most beautiful tree in all the world. We stood him up on a little table that I covered with a cloth, then I put the tree skirt around that. He looks much taller than he is and can be seen thru the front window.

I only hung the oldest and most traditional ornaments on him this year, not all of the pretty glass ones I have in years past. We’re keeping it simple since we won’t be here, not a lot of decorations throughout the whole house either. No, I am not being a scrooge, it’s just that with every decoration I take out of the box and hang, I know I’m going to have to take it down and put it away. (makes me tired to think about it)! Whoops, that was sort of a scrooge remark, but it I didn’t mean it to be. It’s just that my back has something to say about it and it’s at the top of priority list this year….


Ok, here ya go…… Just in case you think I’ve been slacking off, above is a picture of one of the candy trays that I’ll be delivering tomorrow to the EMT & firemen here locally, and one tray that goes to the “air life” helicopter station. From left to right is a row of cookies, old-fashioned fudge, aunt bills candy, divinity, and a big pile of peanut brittle. I just hope it brings them a little cheer. It’s just my way of saying thank you for being there.

Voices III......

He enters me so quietly

Deep within my soul

He leaves a hidden message

A way to make me whole

Thoughts to ponder turn and question

Answers,… purposes to seek

To question hushed mystery’s muse

Hard shared in one so meek

Then a stranger’s urge to try it

This need to share and teach

Hearts full to touch another

With whispered voice I reach

A shy emotion cries to speak

More anxious by the hour

Bourn from one silent word

As God becomes my power

Spoken not from me, but Him!

To find the strength I pray

Glory be to God on highest

I give HIS words away……..

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Voices II......

You may have wondered what in the world I’m doing writing about “voices” here at the Christmas season and whatever brought that to mind. Well, here’s the deal….. If ever it would be nice to be comfortable about speaking to others, it’s now.

I went to a “cookie exchange” yesterday. Held at a friend’s house, we were to bring one dozen of our favorite cookies to exchange with others there, then 3 doz. more to fill boxes that would be taken to shelters, shut in’s etc. There were only two there I had met before and the rest were strangers. As happens when a group of gals get together, everyone was visiting about what they’re doing for the holidays, all of the projects they’re all involved in, needs in our community, recipes, etc. Some were telling about some of their memorable Christmas’s past. I set quietly and just listened. Then, the hostess ask me if I minded her telling a little bit about what I went thru last year… Thinking I should NOT jump up and run out the door, I mumbled, “no that’s fine”. She gave a quick rundown, then ended by saying: “We’re so lucky to have her here with us today”. Well then came the questions. I don’t mind talking about it, I just mind talking period! I was able to share that looking for positives had been a great healing tool for me, but feeling a little self conscious, I was not able to converse what all I really wanted to say. I could have said so much more than I did. Some acted like they wanted to know more, but was nervous about asking.

In fact, this is not the first time this has happened, this summer was hard at the various family and class reunions we attended, because so many ask questions… They were all polite about it, and very sincere, and I know it’s because they really do care. I always just feel strange because I don’t want to bore people by saying too much, and I don’t want to appear rude by not saying enough.

One lady at the party actually said she wished I would give a “testimony” at church… I just pleasantly smiled and thought “oh yeah, sure, me? Ha!”

When I deliver my trays of candy to the EMT workers and the Helicopter crew, I know I’m going to have to go in and say Merry Christmas and thank them, and I know it’s going to be a hard thing to do… Not so much because of my emotions, but just because I don’t want to sound like a babbling idiot. I’m afraid of making them wonder why they bothered!.... I don’t suppose it would be nice to just throw it in the door and run back out to the car….

Also, I love Christmas carols and love to sing them, but alas, the only ones who hear them are me and the “conch shell” I have on the shelf in my shower. I think caroling would be such a fun thing to do but we never take part because neither of us sound good enough to join in…

Anyway…you get the idea


Any “public speakers” out there with tips on how to be comfortable enough in your own skin that you are able to share your voices and words in front of others?

Friday, December 18, 2009


As a little girl, I got in trouble one time when I took one of my Mother’s nice necklaces with a fine gold chain, and for whatever reason I thought it would be fun to wrap it around the old spring that was attached to our back porch door…… I guess I thought it would be pretty on there, mixed in with the silver wires that twisted round and round and I could see it every time I went outside. The problem came when Mom seen what I was doing, made me stop and we tried to take it out. It was so tangled and twisted in the spring there was no way. It was still there when the old house was eventually moved and the back door replaced.

I think I cried for days, and eventually I remember my Mom telling me, to stop whining. I felt so bad about the chain, I decided to run away…… Everybody was mad at me, and I just figured the best thing to do was leave. The big dilemma was where could I go? I couldn’t have been much over 5 or 6 years old…..

At the time, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans had adopted some kids and taken them into their family in California…. I knew I couldn’t make it all the way there on my own, so I wrote Roy Rogers a letter and told him I thought it would be a good idea if he would just come and get me.

I vowed in that letter that I would try to be really nice, not do anything wrong and not whine while I was waiting on him. For some reason I figured I’d have better luck if I could make my voice sound like his, so I started practicing at that time to lower my voice…. I think the “trying to be nice” passed quickly, and I don’t know whatever happened to the letter, but I continued to work on my voice. This was a big deal to me, I was smart enough to know that even if I didn’t get to go live with Roy Rogers, at least my Mom might like me better if I didn’t whine.

I’ve been told I have a pleasant voice, it is low and soft….. maybe best described as husky. One thing for sure, it does NOT sound whiny!

I tell this story, only because even though I have a nice and quite capable sounding voice, I hate using it!

I actually used to work in radio many years ago……I was desperate for a job and lied to the owner of the station to convince him I could keep his books. That was in the days before computer finance programs. When he realized I barely knew a credit from a debit, he put me to work writing copy, and running traffic….finally on to the radio with a program called “A moment with Mary”…. I got along fine with that simply because I broadcast from a small announcer’s booth and didn’t have to do it in public.

Some years later I went to work as the administrative director for a charity organization and I had to do public speaking. Once when setting at a banquet table waiting to be introduced, my legs were shaking so bad I almost knocked the dishes over….. Anyone who hates public speaking as much as I do, can relate to the “sick to your stomach” feeling if you are forced into it.

I so admire people who have a nice voice and know how to use it. To stand at a podium and deliver a message in front of God and everyone else, means so much more than just putting it on paper and hoping someone might read it. The great orators of the world have the ability to actually change people’s lives.

Our minister has a wonderful speaking voice….. he gets his points across, inflects at the right places, speaking quietly or loudly, meaningful, exciting……. Beyond the message he is a pleasure to listen to.

I have a friend who will not write a letter, not even email, and she calls on the phone to chat now and then. Yet, when you’re with her in a crowd of people she brings the whole room to life with jokes, stories, and always has the right words at the right time for any situation…. She amazes me as I stand quietly by and just watch her. It’s all I can do to carry on a one on one conversation without wishing I could crawl into the corner.

A blogger who just writes “thoughts” ? …. Well …. It is what it is…….

I have so much more to share, but please don’t ever expect me to do it out loud….. You would find me under the table….. Oh, and forget singing, I sound like a sick bullfrog.


I can set at home alone……..or

I can go somewhere and hold the hand of someone else who was alone.

I can set inside and complain about the snow…….or

I can go outside and be thankful for it's moisture..

I can sit and count my problems……..or

I can look around and see other’s who have it worse.

I can complain because my finger was stuck by a thorn……..or

I can see the beauty of the rose.

I can continue to be without hope……..or

I can ask for help.

I can be over stressed with too much to do……..or

I can let some of it go.

I can dwell in my sorrow and pain………or

I can count my blessings.

I can give into my weakness……..or

I can seek strength.

I can complain that life is too hard…….or

I can look for ways to make it easier.

I can appear sad or mad to others……..or

I can spread a smile.

I can stay in the dark……..or

I can search for light.

I can choose to let my problems overtake me……..or

I can choose to overtake my problems.

It it my choice.

I can turn away.......I can receive.......I can give in return

I choose life.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Just an Idea......

I’m sure a lot of you have your favorite charities, organizations you work with, Church’s, Civic groups, etc. on a regular basis, and maybe even some extra things you do at Christmas time, …. It came to me last night in the middle of the night.........

Seldom thought of, the needs of the families who will be sitting in a hospital waiting room on Christmas Eve and Christmas day.

I want to share this with you because if you are looking for ideas to help someone out during the Christmas season, this is something anyone can do.

In our hospital the ICU waiting room is separate from all the others and kept pretty much private… Last year on Christmas Eve when the family was there, they said “some guy” came in, and gave everyone a big candy cane and gave the girls all a little fuzzy throw. He simply said, “I’m sorry you have to be here but I hope you have a blessed Christmas”. And he left. All of them said it meant so much…. The fact that this stranger thought enough to pay a visit to try and brighten a sad moment in another stranger’s life, was very comforting and very much appreciated.

I went to town today and purchased some small wooden baskets…then I picked out little soft stuffed fuzzy puppy dogs, some individual packets of Kleenex, a tube of chap stick, travel size hand sanitizers, hand lotions, mouth wash, and tiny tooth brushes with cleaning gel in them. Also little notebooks and pens, a pack of gum, plus some individually wrapped miniature chocolates, a small container of salty crackers, and a couple of little candy canes and 2 of the little Clementine oranges to fill each basket. Things that a family could share and may need, and could help get them by for a few days away from home.

The “average” ICU patient load is about 4 in our hospital on any given day. There was only one other family besides ours in there last year on Christmas Eve, and I would be surprised if there is any more than that this year… The baskets and all the stuff in them was not cost prohibitive. I will call ahead of time and ask how many families are there to be sure I have enough. If more is needed I’ll get them, but I’m thinking this will fill the need since it’s only ICU I’m doing it for. I’ll take them up on the 23rd and check again on Christmas Eve for any new arrivals, then leave the extras.

Your hospitals may be larger, the emergency and ICU waiting rooms may be all in one, and if so, there are a lot of less expensive things you could do. It’s just an idea I wanted to share because often, with everything going on this time of year it’s easy to forget what some others might be going through, especially the families of critical ill patients. It’s the season of giving and even just a little candy cane can mean so much more…..

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Naked Tree

When I was a kid, there was no getting around it, like it or not, I HAD to wear my snow boots when we went to get “the tree”…..

Many times we would go down to the creek, or head up the road north to the shelter belt, cross the ditch (which was always full of either snow or mud), enter the forest like rows of trees and search until we found it. Dad in his coverall’s, would get out the saw, climb to the top to trim it out, then we’d drag it back and throw it in the back of the pickup and take it home, where it might have been cut a few more times and trimmed up until Mom thought it looked right. The trunks and branches on the old cedars were rough and knarly and crooked and we had to make sure there was no bugs lurking somewhere in it or on it. It was then placed in one of the big washtubs, filled with sand and rocks, and whatever else we could find to hold it up, then carried into the living room… to await the decorations we would put on it.....

60 years later we go about getting our Christmas tree a little differently, but we went to town today to pick ours out. After looking at several this is the one we settled on. It’s about 3 ft. tall, fat with long branches, and a funny looking top, but it spoke to us, and it’s the one that wanted to come home with us. Jim sawed off the end, stuck it in a stand, brought it in, and I’ll decorate it tomorrow… Even though I use a lot of the same ornaments, each year the tree turns out different and each year it develops it’s own personally…. I can’t wait to see what this one becomes!

We’ve gone to the same place for our Christmas tree every year now for about 15 years…. It’s a tiny farm on the edge of town and the owners live right there on the farm. They always bring in the freshest trees, it’s a family owned operation, they hire extra workers through the season, and everyone is very friendly and nice…. While picking out your tree you may hear the words “Merry Christmas” spoken at least 50 times by the employees, strangers one to another, and I swear the trees talk. If you’re lucky, someone might break into "Jingle Bells", and you’re encouraged to sing along. Everyone there is on the same mission.

What brings the most joy is that there is always so much more to finding the “just right” tree than first meets the eye.

Inevitably, there is a young family with 3 or 4 little kids running around picking out the one they want….. The fun comes when they all get to fighting over which one they think is best…. The folks are looking a the price tags, the Dad’s job is to hold it up as straight as possible, so the rest of the family can look it over, Mom is trying to keep track of the kids who are off to explore on their own, and the employees are making a big effort to keep smiling, and wondering all the while what size vehicle the family might have brought to take the tree home in.

At this particular farm they have their trees separated. Those 3.5 ft. and under, 4 & 5 footers in another area, 6 and 7 footers in a third area, and the “show” trees above 8 ft. Without a fault, the little ones always go to the biggest trees….. You hear Dad’s say things like “we’d have to cut a hole in the ceiling” and Mom’s trying to convince them with reason, that “honey Santa wouldn’t have room to put any gifts in the house if we get a tree that big”.

One of the biggest miracles of the season is when they all, through whatever process works, finally agree on which one to take home….

Dad tries to locate the rope to tie it on the car roof, or clean out the trunk or the back of the pickup so it will fit, while mom pays the bill. The employee carries it, or lifts it on a cart to pull it out to the vehicle, with the kids close behind or running ahead….

By then, the kids, all talking at once, are arguing about where they’re going to put it, which side is the best, wanting to know for sure if they can put it up when they get home, when it can get dressed, asking mom if she knows where that beautiful ornament is they made in school last year out of that pretty yellow paper, and when can they get it some lights, and if for sure it’s big enough, and do they think the dog will like it, and if we’ve got enough of that long sparkly stuff to throw on it, and can they put the gold fish under it so they can be sure and see it, arguing over which one is going to hang what, and can they put glue and glitter on it, and can they call the neighbor kid to come and see it, and are they going to make pop corn tonight, and when will it get presents……

You can’t help but smile as they finally drive out of the lot, envisioning the total chaos when they get home….. There’s bound to be broken lights that won’t work, or that someone steps on, broken ornaments that can’t be hung, broken backs from carrying it in, and the crooked branch on top that won’t hold the star or angel straight…. With 3 kids and a couple of nieces and nephews usually with us, I well remember how it was… The naked tree won’t be naked long, and oh what joys it brings.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

#12 of the Matrix

#12 of the matrix…….Progress

The rock I chose to picture with this twelfth positive is a piece of labradorite.

Labradorite is truly a fascinatingly beautiful mineral. A mineral whose beauty can be hidden, and may be overlooked if not viewed from the proper position. Generally a dull, dark looking rock with no special virtue until the colorful shiller is observed glowing on the surface. Labradorite can produce a colorful play of light within it’s matrix,. If you look very closely in the center of the picture you will be able to view a tiny, blue sparkling jewel….. More beautiful that, are the many you do not see but become evident when held and turned to reflect the sun….

“Everything you can imagine is real”…Pablo Picasso (1881 – 1973)

I sat for a while last night reading some of my old posts through the past year…. From the day I could not imagine ever being normal again, I am now able to say I know I’ve made miles of progress.

I’ve written of the challenges, the confusion, the panic, the love, the depression, the loss of physical and mental control, the fears…. and the positives that came from each of them…..

and now I want to write, (not about the past), but the future.

Picasso speaks of reality and what our minds are capable of. He placed no boundaries but chose instead to imagine life happening, with all of its possibilities, as it may…. As it is……

From a body and mind weakened to a level of barely functioning, (actually not functioning at all for a time)…. both have strengthened to where I can now move ahead on that unlimited, path of imagination.

The journey back from death a year past, finds me just beginning to forge the path ahead and I plan to greet it head on with no hesitation. The reality of life is within me and before me, limited only by what I can not imagine……

And it is here ……now

And it is real…..

There hasn’t been any new earth shattering revelations written here in my matrix, they are things I have known all along but that I had let fade away because I allowed the negatives and darkness to overtake them……

Writing the 12 positives has not been easy, but it’s been good for me. It really has reminded me to look at, concentrate, and appreciate my strengths. With every positive I listed, I thought of others, eventually there became too many to write about each and every one in detail, and I know there are still more to surface. It has renewed my determination to put as much behind as possible and to look ahead.

To turn myself to all directions of the sun and allow life to become what it is and what it wants to be.

I feel complete in my knowledge that there is no reason to fear what might lie ahead.

This is the end my matrix…… built only of positives with it’s jewels pointed towards the future and in return, the future coming into the jewels……. Thank you again “el poquito” for suggesting this to me. What a wonderful tool to have in my pocket! I will be looking back on it every time the bad memories start to creep in, for it’s the positives that will continue to shine brilliantly, showing the way with their sparkling lights as my guide.

I have come a long way, and there is so much more to come.......tarzan

Thursday, December 10, 2009

#11 of the Matrix.....

#11 of the matrix…….Christmas Anyway

I learned a big lesson a year ago……. Life as we know it goes on whether we are in it or not and it’s a wonderful thing that it does…..

By the end of Christmas day last year, I had passed the most critical points and they knew I was going to live. They weren’t sure what my condition would be when I was woke up, but they knew I was going to make it.

By then, my family’s own needs were surfacing… They were all exhausted, mentally and physically, they had lived at the hospital for two days and nights, and they had been through some huge emotional upsets. SO – they all gathered up each other, left the hospital, and went to my daughter’s house nearby, to savor what Christmas they could.

They got a meal put together, put some favorite cd’s in the player, had fun with a few gifts the grand kids had opened, consoled each other, they laughed together at whatever they could think to laugh about, and they enjoyed sitting on overstuffed furniture instead of a waiting room chair. Sleep came a little easier for them later that night in their own beds.

A great big positive with a bow on it ……

When I finally did come to…….

I learned that the world hadn’t stopped……


Christmas happened anyway.

It may not have been the same as our family was used to, a few traditions might have been over looked, and it may have not been exactly what they were looking forward to, but it did happen on December 25th, 2008.

And the past year has happened…..

the grandkids all continued to discover life, our business continued to operate, there were other problems and joys in our family that came and went, the government kept operating, new music was written, babies were born, and lives were lost, people made and spent money, flowers bloomed and died and bloomed again, there were earthquakes, floods, new scientific discoveries, vacations, marriages, divorces….. Santa and his reindeer went ahead and flew across the world that fateful night, and it all continued on without me.

What was a huge event to me, and many of those who know me, was really a very small blurb in the whole scheme of things….

Which brings up the fact that no matter how big you think your problems are, there are others who are carrying a much heavier burden. I’ve been reminded of that several times in my life, but this year it took on a whole new meaning. Others stories did not have such a happy ending. Life is about putting it all in perspective then getting on with it…..

As I go thru this holiday season I want to keep reminding my loved ones, and myself that no matter what happens, it’s going to be ok. The world will always be here for us if we take care of it, and we need to make the most of it as long as we can. Hopefully we're preparing generations to carry on for us.

Even when the day comes (hopefully many years down the road), when tarzan grabs the last vine, she’s going to be smiling…...

and Christmas, in all its glory, will happen anyway….

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

#10 of the Matrix......

#10 of the matrix........Letting Go

Anyone who has been really ill knows down deep that there is a certain connection to that illness that is not easy to let go.

Yes, it’s great to get our senses back, lessen or loose the pain, regain strength, become involved in life again…… All of the positives one would expect….

But for those who have never experienced it, being deathly ill can bring certain perks we don’t often recognize, and giving up those perks is not as simple as you might think.

When one is really sick with a life threatening condition, the lucky ones find themselves suddenly surrounded by the best care available. We are given the best the medical profession has to offer with everything implemented to keep you alive. 100% of your doctor’s, nurses, emergency and laboratory personnel’s attention is right at your fingertips. They listen to you, they constantly monitor you, and they take great care in your recovery. For the “ordinary Joe” with a difficult disease to diagnose, a sprained ankle or a headache, that kind of attention from the medical field is hard to come by. You know it’s back to the “take two asprin, go to bed & call me next week” routine.

When you’re extremely sick, family and friends are suddenly and directly pointing all of their concern and attention at you…. It becomes “love in action” with you being the central receiver. In many cases this can and often does go on for days, months, and some times even years.

You’re no longer just another member of the household, you’re special! Hmmmm, you can even find yourself in the position that no one expects anything from you and therefore you don’t have to produce much…… After a lifetime of work, responsibilities, and devotion to making yourself worthy, it now it becomes ok to set back and soak up what others are willing to give.

Screwing up in life is normal, and if you’re going to live you’re going to make mistakes….. Well, guess what, as long as you’re sick those mistakes are so much more easily forgiven……

Often times it’s the family and loved ones who can keep this cycle going. Even if the patient is able and willing to resume to his/her old life, the loved ones are too worried to allow them to do much and will continue to treat them differently and with special attention….


I’m not sure at what point I started letting go of the security of my sickness, but through the year, every day has brought me a little more willing to pull away from the corner of that blanket, which I have to admit, I probably unconsciously held onto for awhile… Facing life ahead with all of it’s problems is a challenge, but one I am taking on.. It’s a lot easier to let go of a negative when you’re sure that positive is within your sight if not your grasp, but the positives have come in steps. Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between a negative and a positive, but eventually they will begin to separate and surface….

I am now a lot smarter about my own health and have learned to speak up to doctors and make them listen to my needs. Identifying a problem and relating it to others has become a little easier for me. I am now more clear on what signs to watch for. We need to be in control of our own health and I’m getting better at that.

If I didn’t recognize it before, I know without any reservations, how much my family appreciates me and I will never have the need to question my self worthiness or their acknowledgment of that. They have shown many times over they are there for me in sickness and in health……

I know that others will step in for me without my even asking, and that if I need to slack off, it’s ok. In the beginning most everything was done for me because I couldn’t. Then the time came when I had to prove to myself that I could fit back into my position in the household, the family and the community. Thank God for those who stepped back and let me try whatever I needed to and stepped in only when I ask for help or they could see I needed it.

It’s also ok if I screw up which I know I will, in fact, it’s to be expected! However; I know without a doubt that others will forgive me, not because I’m sick, but simply because they are good people.

I’ve written before about the lack of organization in my brain when I got out of the hospital, words did not come as easily to me, my memory was not as sharp, and I questioned my own ability to regain those skills. It has taken work and time, but it is is improving.

Profound health events never completely go away, especially with on-going, chronic or incurable health issues. Through the positives and negatives together they have a tendency to define how we interact with life…. But as long as we are willing to continue the process of our restoration, the choices become clearer.

There is a fine line between our needs and our wants… Being sick does have its high security points and it takes work, a lot of work to break out on your own. It would definitely be easier not to, but that’s not the life I want and I’m happy to report the results are worth working for….