#10 of the Matrix......

#10 of the matrix........Letting Go

Anyone who has been really ill knows down deep that there is a certain connection to that illness that is not easy to let go.

Yes, it’s great to get our senses back, lessen or loose the pain, regain strength, become involved in life again…… All of the positives one would expect….

But for those who have never experienced it, being deathly ill can bring certain perks we don’t often recognize, and giving up those perks is not as simple as you might think.

When one is really sick with a life threatening condition, the lucky ones find themselves suddenly surrounded by the best care available. We are given the best the medical profession has to offer with everything implemented to keep you alive. 100% of your doctor’s, nurses, emergency and laboratory personnel’s attention is right at your fingertips. They listen to you, they constantly monitor you, and they take great care in your recovery. For the “ordinary Joe” with a difficult disease to diagnose, a sprained ankle or a headache, that kind of attention from the medical field is hard to come by. You know it’s back to the “take two asprin, go to bed & call me next week” routine.

When you’re extremely sick, family and friends are suddenly and directly pointing all of their concern and attention at you…. It becomes “love in action” with you being the central receiver. In many cases this can and often does go on for days, months, and some times even years.

You’re no longer just another member of the household, you’re special! Hmmmm, you can even find yourself in the position that no one expects anything from you and therefore you don’t have to produce much…… After a lifetime of work, responsibilities, and devotion to making yourself worthy, it now it becomes ok to set back and soak up what others are willing to give.

Screwing up in life is normal, and if you’re going to live you’re going to make mistakes….. Well, guess what, as long as you’re sick those mistakes are so much more easily forgiven……

Often times it’s the family and loved ones who can keep this cycle going. Even if the patient is able and willing to resume to his/her old life, the loved ones are too worried to allow them to do much and will continue to treat them differently and with special attention….

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I’m not sure at what point I started letting go of the security of my sickness, but through the year, every day has brought me a little more willing to pull away from the corner of that blanket, which I have to admit, I probably unconsciously held onto for awhile… Facing life ahead with all of it’s problems is a challenge, but one I am taking on.. It’s a lot easier to let go of a negative when you’re sure that positive is within your sight if not your grasp, but the positives have come in steps. Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between a negative and a positive, but eventually they will begin to separate and surface….

I am now a lot smarter about my own health and have learned to speak up to doctors and make them listen to my needs. Identifying a problem and relating it to others has become a little easier for me. I am now more clear on what signs to watch for. We need to be in control of our own health and I’m getting better at that.

If I didn’t recognize it before, I know without any reservations, how much my family appreciates me and I will never have the need to question my self worthiness or their acknowledgment of that. They have shown many times over they are there for me in sickness and in health……

I know that others will step in for me without my even asking, and that if I need to slack off, it’s ok. In the beginning most everything was done for me because I couldn’t. Then the time came when I had to prove to myself that I could fit back into my position in the household, the family and the community. Thank God for those who stepped back and let me try whatever I needed to and stepped in only when I ask for help or they could see I needed it.

It’s also ok if I screw up which I know I will, in fact, it’s to be expected! However; I know without a doubt that others will forgive me, not because I’m sick, but simply because they are good people.

I’ve written before about the lack of organization in my brain when I got out of the hospital, words did not come as easily to me, my memory was not as sharp, and I questioned my own ability to regain those skills. It has taken work and time, but it is is improving.

Profound health events never completely go away, especially with on-going, chronic or incurable health issues. Through the positives and negatives together they have a tendency to define how we interact with life…. But as long as we are willing to continue the process of our restoration, the choices become clearer.

There is a fine line between our needs and our wants… Being sick does have its high security points and it takes work, a lot of work to break out on your own. It would definitely be easier not to, but that’s not the life I want and I’m happy to report the results are worth working for….