The Search

Of everything
There is so much more than a name
There is so much more than an age
There is so much more than what you see
There is so much more beyond me

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


One of my kids came over to visit today….. her excuse was she needed to walk! uh uh….. I think it’s more like she wanted to make sure Mom was walking. However, I appreciated the company….

It’s amazing how a good coach can help you brighten your attitude, give you an honest assessment of your performance, and offer ways to help you improve…. encouragement does wonders.....

(confession with a red face), I had been slipping my house shoes on to go outside and walk around the house on cement…. I was gently reminded that like it or not, I need to take time to put on my good walking shoes with socks for support and warmth….. ok, ok!

I was also encouraged to stop walking when it started hurting…. By doing this I realized that I feel relief much faster after sitting for a moment than I did before the surgery. We have several chairs and benches scattered around the house on the patios and there is no reason not to use them. well, I honestly thought I was supposed to walk thru pain..geez.

Time after time I was told to slow down…… “Mom, after a year of doing nothing it’s only been two weeks and you can’t expect overnight results, this is going to take time"!!! here we go again, how many times do I have to hear the same lecture!

She made me tell her every little pain, when and where it started. I now know that most of my weakness is in my right leg. There are a particular set of muscles that are tightening up which can now be identified and possibly treated….. she suggested heat and ice like one would treat any sick muscle. ok, she did have a few good ideas.

She made me realize the pain really is still different than it was before the surgery. Improved pain……. What a concept! Sometimes when it hurts all over it’s hard to pin point the real problem, so that’s another place a good coach can help with. ok, so some times the coach is right....geez.

She promised another session soon. More walking of course, but maybe along with some window shopping and lunch out……hey, now you’re talking!

I AM willing to suffer for that gold medal……… All you need is a good coach!

The race is on......

As I watch the athletes compete during the Olympics in Vancouver, each of them trying their best to win the gold medal, I do understand what they’re going through, both the winners and the losers. This morning I had coffee, breakfast, showered and dressed, made the bed and started a load of laundry, and got it all done by 9:30! Don’t laugh it sure beats the time’s I’ve posted throughout this past year. The frustrations come when I compare this to 5 years ago, by 9:30 I already had a full day’s work behind me.

I am feeling a lot better, but I am so very slow…. Slow to the point that I am embarrassed about it. What happened to my speed!…..Though I’m much, much better, and almost recovered from the surgery itself, the finish line seems to be a long way from where I am, it’s still taking me longer than I had hoped for.

I could come up with a ton of excuses…. Weather for one, we have yet another winter storm approaching and the cold just makes everything harder. Age for another, I know my body cannot be expected to bounce back like a 30 year old, but hey, no 66 year old should be this slow. Health history could be considered, but I don’t wish to live in the past. Excuses are just that, a way to get out of doing what we’re really capable of but can’t quite accomplish due to our lack of commitment to overcome?

I have questioned myself daily if I made the right decision by having this surgery, at first I was sure the old pain had left, and then as time went on I could feel it again…. I haven’t posted much because now I’m not so sure the surgery helped that much. It’s still hard to tell if the pain I feel after I’ve walked for a while is just muscles and nerves waking up or if the old pain is returning. Either way, walking is still difficult, about 5 minutes in one stretch is about all I can stand… I don’t like writing that and I don’t like admitting it may not be ALL right. However I still have hope. I still believe with strengthening, stretching, and whatever else I CAN do, I will be further ahead.

When the downhill skiers make their runs at close to 80 mph and come to a precipice that catapults them flying into mid air, their landings are blind, but the fear of crashing does not keep them from taking the jump. What an inspiration to anyone on pursuit of their own gold medal!

I can’t see the finish line yet, and at this rate I’ve decided it may be awhile before I can, there are moments when I want to just stop, set down in the snow, and cry. As far as competition, I turn around and the only person I see behind me is yours truly, a little slow out of the gate but gaining by the inch. Which one of us will get to stand on the podium as the winner? It remains to be seen.

I just went back on the blog and re-read Matrix #8. Turtle woman indeed! Evidently it doesn’t matter how long it takes me, getting there should be sufficient and the glory of doing my best in God’s own time will be enough, if I can it let it be.

I guess two weeks of "training" does not a medalist make.....?

Thursday, February 11, 2010


After all the waiting, preparations, anxious days, a bit of pain and a few odd experiences, my surgery is over. Done, behind me, and a part of the past.

I am recuperating well, just trying to get my strength built back. This will be accomplished with time and some effort on my part. I am still suffering some “after surgery” effects, but for the most part I believe it was a successful journey. The on-going process of all this is my attempt to strengthen and maintain the health of all those damaged muscles. That’s means a regime of specific exercises for the rest of my lifetime. Physical and mental.

Lecture to myself that I want to share:

I believe deeply in the power of the mind. When bad things loom on the horizon our fear can stifle our abilities to confront them if we let it. But, there is something about human nature that gives us that needed determination to meet them head on, to go through what we must. It’s called survival I guess.

Survival is never easy, it’s just necessary. The option is to give up but that does not necessarily mean we get the instant gratification of death, God just doesn’t work that way. So, giving up will most likely only bring us a life of defeat and misery. Even with the pain of survival we at least know that we’re doing everything possible to make it all right again. The rest really is up to God.

The process of restoration continues:

I have been told I must wait at least 6 weeks before I can have the next surgery, even though it will be a minor one. My body needs at least that amount of time before I put it through the rigors of the next hurdle. For now, I must work hard to give myself what I need……to get the past behind me as quickly as possible to rebuild towards and for the future. Since I will not settle for the option of giving up, survival is the answer.

Survival in the best way possible…. A walk in the sunshine sounds like a good way to start.