The Search

Of everything
There is so much more than a name
There is so much more than an age
There is so much more than what you see
There is so much more beyond me

Friday, January 28, 2011

And I'm Done!

#$%@$^@@^*#@!?><###** - check

#$%@$^@@^*#@!?><###** - check

#$%@$^@@^*#@!?><###** - check

#$%@$^@@^*#@!?><###** - check

#$%@$^@@^*#@!?><###** - check

Without going back through all of the items, I have reached the bottom of "MY" list.....

Now what........

How to leave it all behind......

How to accept that I have done all I can and it’s time to move on.....

There are still a couple of little items that will be a constant companion for the rest of my life but there is nothing more I can do about them.

The back which there may be no answer for

The cancer which will always be with me in some form or another

The on-going heart health and keeping it on the plus side.

I capitalized in quotes, “MY” in the first sentence because I have only had control over what I can do to help myself and that list is now complete. The rest is up to God, I know He has His own list and that remains to be seen.

For now it’s a matter of the relief I feel having accomplished what I promised to myself..... It’s been my job for a long time.

However; it is also a huge adjustment to get on with life. I have lived for 5 years with health problems and health fixes and I’m used to it.

I have become “comfortable” with my cancer and dealt with living with it.

I have accepted my heart condition and dealt with it.

I have accepted my back problems and though I get frustrated with the constant pain I am resigned to it and will do what I can in the future to improve it.

Now it’s time to throw away the lists of medical issues and allow myself to live life with what I have......... Once again I am starting down a new path.... a path without constant doctor’s appointments.

It’s time to have some fun, travel, entertain, keep positive people in my life, tell some stories and enjoy my newly found freedom.......

All the boxes have been checked. There really is “so much more” and I’m on my way out the door to search for it..... Happy days are here again.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


Believe me, the picture of cobwebs above is a lot prettier than the real cobwebs in the corner of my ceiling......

Both eye surgeries went well and the beauty of seeing better includes some things I would rather not! Yes, I have since wiped down all the corners of my ceilings and they are now minus the cobwebs that had been hiding there..... (or hanging there, and I just didn't see them) How many other things have I missed?

Funny thing about cobwebs, that’s a good way to describe how my mind feels sometimes, a bit crowded with old things that need wiped out, and beautiful, intricate, woven patterns of my left over wanderings......

You can see large smooth, easy going strands that must have been good days in that old spider’s life. You can also see a few tiny circles when she must have been having an off day and just didn’t want to do much.

There are some very crooked ones and one with crosses where she really got confused in where she was going or where she was. Some of them are thicker which shows she probably had to go back and do a some over..... Some are very broken and thinned and some are reinforced... You can tell she had to start over more than once....

She created her defense mechanism to catch any invaders, and also created a way to protect her home, her heart and a place she can aways go back to. she created a way to survive.....

With the removal of the cataracts the light is now able to shine in and the world looks so much brighter. Not only are the shadows and darkness gone, but those surgeries were the last two things on my repair list...... I get tested for my new glasses on February 17th..... I have a lot to celebrate.

I have made my cobweb a bit stronger.....the invaders are at bay.....and I am safe and home and content that all of my weaving is worth it. There is so much more waiting on me...... Further cleaning out of the old ones and exciting new patterns to create........

Saturday, January 1, 2011

The Dawning

And a new year dawns, one day into the other…….and I was there to witness it! Exciting in its presentation but not a lot different in it’s similarity to other mornings. Regardless, it is my day and my new year.

2010 was so full….. I was faced at the beginning with a lot - having made up my mind to use it to discover more about myself and my health and have some things taken care of that required my commitment to them, as unpleasant as they were.

It took 2 major surgeries, quite a few down days, many short appointments, check up’s and more check up’s…. It seems that was all I accomplished and it took me most all year long, just finishing with one procedure before starting in on another one…..

All of that behind me now I had one remaining project which was to have my cataracts removed. My right eye will be done on January 5th and the left eye on January 19th. It will be a wonderment to be able to see clearly again.

I will also be working on trying to get in better shape – stronger is all ways, physically and mentally.

I have a feeling that it’s going to be a very good year, full of brightness and an enjoyment of life that I haven’t had for a while.

Here’s to you and your’s, may your year be filled with only good things, things that will lead you onward and forward in health and contentment.

Happy New Year! Welcome 2011