Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The doctor’s nurse called…… they need a written release from my heart doctor, so I’m working on getting that. Within a two week time frame before surgery, (any time after the 20th of this month) they need a full blood panel test and a chest x-ray. I’ll be getting those done at the end of this week.. Those results will be faxed to his office.
And on it goes……just basic things that have to be done in order to start rebuilding me…… Feb. 3rd is still the target date for step number one……
I first met “EP” on a cancer forum over the internet a few years ago when he wrote a poem about “Restoration”….. He had survived a horrendous bout with cancer which almost claimed his life, and was currently in the process of trying to rebuild himself and find a way when our paths crossed……At that point, I too was struggling to come to grips with my cancer diagnosis and I closely related to what he was saying.
I have come to love the word “restoration”…..A beautiful word, simple, but one which holds so much meaning. It allows me to envision the process I am going through, and I will forever be indebted to him, both for his tenacity in reconstruction, his showing me the true meaning of that word, and for his talent in writing.
No less than Phoenix rising from the ashes, we are rebuilding our bodies and lives, but it must be done layer by layer, starting with sifting through the ashes, examining each tiny fleck of dust or cell that caused us to crumble in the first place…
At that time, I was still able to walk and sure that I could find a way to deal with my back problems while also learning to deal with my cancer, only I found that my cancer was over shadowing everything else in my life….. Not the pain so much, but the importance of the pain. Therefore, I had a lot of “head restoration” to go thru before I could even begin to start on my “physical restoration”.
The head work is ongoing….. Just when I think I have one thing figured out, up pop’s another one with a new challenge…. And it continues, and that is a good thing. During the year following my cancer diagnosis I did a lot of thinking about my own mortality, and my strengths, and I believe that prepared me for successfully dealing with the heart attack…..
Now it’s almost like starting at the bottom again… a return to the back and leg problems, getting those repaired as best I can which will enable me to continue the rest of the restoration process. Once the back/legs are rebuilt, then I can go on to the next project….more ashes to sift through.
Restoration in any form is not easy, but as with any project starting with a strong basic foundation is imperative. Starting at the bottom......
preparing my mind done and crossed off the list,
diagnosis and MRI done and crossed off the list,
A plan with the doctor done and crossed off the list,
A date set done and crossed off the list,
registration for the hospital done and crossed off the list,
visiting with the doctor’s nurse concerning time lines done and crossed off the list,
the right attitude done and crossed off the list,
the blood work, and the x-rays, done and crossed off the list
the preparations to go out of state, and the trip
still needing work, but the diagrams and orders are in front of me…..
Ashes upon ashes and soon I will be rising….. layer by layer, the process of restoration, until I am whole again…
Monday, January 11, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Here I sit.
January 4th, the first working day of 2010, and what am I doing? Waiting.
Waiting on the phone to ring!
I am totally in limbo……..Since this is the real beginning of my resolution (made last year) to get me healthy, one would think I’d be working at it, but no…… I’m sitting here waiting. While the rest of the world is starting on their new year’s resolutions of getting in better physical condition, and exercising in some form, maybe on their way to the gym, or out for a walk……I’m just sitting here waiting……
After nearly 4 years of “pushing through the pain”, I am convinced that I can’t do it any longer, nor that it did any good when I did make the effort! In all honesty, I think I’ve given up, so I’m just waiting…..
I’m waiting on the phone call from my orthopedic doctor to see if he has received the MRI results, taken on 12/28/09. With the holiday and the U.S. snail mail, I am guessing it may be today before the reports even reach his office. How long it will take him to study the information and develop a plan of action for me, is anyone’s guess. He has my number.
I am convinced that with my past attempts to handle it on my own, I only did more damage to my otherwise unstable back, so I’m not going to do anything else until I hear from him.
So here I sit……..waiting.
There are hundreds of questions running through my mind….. Is my back worse than it was a year ago? I think it is, but the pictures need to confirm that in order to provide the doctor guidance. If it is worse, can he still do the more simple surgery or will it require something more? If it does call for something more complex, how much more? Will my heart withstand what could be ahead? Can the stenosis, disc’s, nerves, etc. be fixed at all? Will I get total relief from the pain or just partial relief?
I cannot demand the doctor to move too quickly, this is my spine we’re talking about and I want him to be sure of what he’s doing. “Hey Doc, take all the time you need, but don’t take too long, ok?”
The sermon in Church yesterday was based around Matthew 6: 25-31 “Do not be anxious about your life.” I do realize that things happen in God’s time, not mine, but that does not make the waiting any easier. I sincerely believe that I have done everything He would have wanted me to do, so now it’s totally is His and the doctor’s hands. I just wish they’d hurry.
And in the mean time, all I can do is wait for their decision……
And Practice Patience.....
With any luck at all, I’ll catch up with the rest of you soon…..
Friday, January 1, 2010
And the new day IS different!
An awakening of joy!
May we grasp every little moment of it to appreciate it’s beauty and love of life.
May it bring rays of strength
Shining as brightly as the sun, and may those rays burn through the challenges before us as we continue our search for so much more…..