Survivors Guilt

I didn’t do anything to deserve…………

being here!

This morning I heard 4 different stories that prompted my thoughts for today….

Had a note from an acquaintance that a mutual friend had a stroke last Tuesday. She reportedly is working on regaining some of her speech, and “can use her right arm and leg”. Further testing is being done to figure out why the stroke happened.

Got a message on the cancer board that a friend who also has non hodgkins lymphoma was hospitalized because of her MS, after an episode of her arm going numb. It has been determined that it’s the MS acting up and was not a stroke as first feared. While she is in the hospital they are doing scans and other tests to check her cancer status.

Learned that another member of the cancer board has suffered a transformation of her follicular NHL to Diffuse large B cell meaning that her cancer is now very active and she will probably have to undergo very harsh chemo and a stem cell transplant which will be extremely hard on her.

Received an email from a friend who’s sister suffered a heart attack during a thyroid surgery which left her blind and with diminished motor skills, and brain trauma. She is now starting rehab – she and her family are completely overwhelmed.

To the first one I wrote that I knew her strength and knew without a doubt that she would do what she had to do to work her way back….

To the second one I wrote that my prayers were with her, and I was so grateful she had not suffered a stroke.

For the third one, I am sending encouragement and am trying to help her research clinical trials that may be available to her. 

To the fourth one I wrote that I was sure her sister could overcome her problems given time and with the support of her family.

Wow – what a boat load of bad news to swallow in one day. Each of these people are dear, wonderful, brave and very special people…… As soon as the first one heard about my heart attack I received a very encouraging letter from her. Now she is fighting a much harder fight, and she’s done nothing to deserve all she is going through.

The one with MS and NHL is in a wheel chair most of the time now. It’s not enough that she has had to suffer thru cancer, but has to helplessly watch the eventual loss of her limbs? She did nothing to deserve that.  As a tribute to her, she has taught me much and made me see that my problems are small compared to what she and others are going thru!  She keeps a great attitude and is always encouraging others….

As far as the third one, she has so much ahead of her and she's done nothing to deserve this setback with her cancer....   She was my "watch & wait" buddy for a long time then had to forge ahead with one round of chemo, and now this....

And the last one - she very innocently went in for a simple surgery when a blood clot broke loose and nearly killed her….. She did nothing to deserve that and could have a lifetime of severe health issues to deal with.

I just know that any one of their problems could have been my problem also. I just as easily could have had a stroke instead of a heart attack…. I just as easily could have ended up with MS instead of a back/joint problem…..My cancer could transform at any time regardless of what I may or may not do.....and my heart attack just as easily could have left me blind and unable to function.

Why them and not me? I don’t have the answer to that. I know that is a question to which the answer is known only to God, but why did I get by so easily. Why am I still here at all. None of them deserve what happened to them. I didn’t deserve what happened to me…… And yet……..

What’s the purpose of telling you all of this?      It’s just a reminder…… It could be you, and you’ve done nothing to deserve anything like that either….. None of us can be too smug, none of us have much control – None of us can live without risk.  Hug your loved ones today – tell them how much they mean to you. Anything can happen to anyone at any time. Please remember that we are all so vulnerable, and so susceptible.  This is nothing new that hasn’t been said many times before…..but it's just a reminder.  I just want you to take a moment to think.   It doesn't always happen to other's.