The Past Year

With my birthday on Nov. 15th, and the anniversary of the diagnosis of cancer on Nov. 30th 2007, looming near, I think back to the past year. Following the diagnosis of cancer, the first 6 months are literally a blur. After the first couple of months of fear, testing, surgery, and recovery from all that, I remember becoming aware one day that I had not done the laundry for a while. It occurred to me that even if you have cancer you still have to take care of the dirty underwear… gathering, washing, drying, folding and preparing to use it again, and again, and again. It was a simple revelation, and the beginning of my recovery.

I remember the first time I went somewhere by myself following the sickness and surgery. For several months my husband or kids had driven me to all of the doctor’s appointments, errands to run, etc. Even though the first time out by myself, I was so frightened, I gained strength by making myself face a challenge. I was beyond happy, and loved every moment of my freedom and sense of accomplishment when I returned home that day.

I remember the frustration of being out of control. It was not within my personality to not have control. When dealing with cancer, you quickly learn you have no control of the outcome, and you have to do what others recommend even though it may be terribly hard to do. There were other, tiny, baby steps along the way.... accepting the scar, I was so protective of that area for a long time. Accepting a new responsibility of checking for lumps, accepting new words into my vocabulary, accepting other's nervousness when they learned of my condition. A year later, it seems like I've taken a million tiny steps. It would not be honest not to write something about that on it's anniversary.

However with that loss of control you come to acceptance. A friend reminded me today that we have many levels of acceptance, and I had never looked at it that way… It is probably a good thing that by design in human nature, that we never totally accept anything to do with life or death. Otherwise we stop growing and searching and learning and experiencing. Thank you Ed, for reminding me of that. When we accept, we accept only to a certain level and there is always so much more.

When I think back over the past year, each day brought a new level of acceptance. Accepting that I had been sick but I was still alive and there was more expected of me. Accepting that there was still a need for my life. Accepting that my life had changed. Accepting that I am more vulnerable than I had previously imagined. Accepting that I can do more than I thought I could. Accepting that my loved ones really did not mind the extra attention they had to give me and that they needed to give me. Accepting that others really do care, and allowing them to express that. Accepting that life is what it is, that I can change some parts of it, but accepting the things I have no control over, and making the best of those. Finally accepting that I have accepted some levels of acceptance, and that I must keep trying to accept those levels to come, no matter their challenges.

I think that’s the level of where this past year has brought me. When I escaped the fog, and the darkness, and the crowded jungle in my mind, and begin to enter the clearing where I could see the vines, I knew there would be more places ahead where it would be harder to see. I now appreciate the clearing I am in. The past year was hard, but in many ways the past year was so enlightening, as through a very hard lesson, I realized the past year has given me strength and bravery I didn’t know I had.