Stuffed Green Peppers (and other revelations)

Stuffed green peppers. I’ve made this dish for years as they’re one of our family’s fall and winter favorites and are always a big hit when I take the time to prepare them. Rich chunks of browned beef mixed with tomatoes, onions, rice, cheese and tons of aromatic spices. The whole mixture stuffed into large, luscious green bell peppers and set to bake on a bed of the excess stuffing, topped with even more creamy cheese to give a beautiful golden crust… It’s an easy dish, pretty to serve, and very automatic for me, with no written recipe to follow.

Having the need for a good “transport” dish the other day as a meal for some folks who were moving and who I knew would appreciate not having to stop in the middle of a mess of boxes and moving chaos to cook, I decided to make it and take it to them along with a salad, some deviled eggs, and hot garlic bread with a simply decadent dessert of pineapple upside down cake… Great idea, but as I begin the process, I realized I hadn’t made the peppers since last fall and all of a sudden I could not remember how to do it! Like so many things in my life it was another one of those “before and after the heart attack” projects. With some embarrassment, I had to phone my daughter for instructions since I’d taught her to make them and I knew she could help me out.

Nearly a year ago I wrote on my blog that I did not want to turn it into a heart attack site….. It’s easy to say I just needed to put it behind me and get on with life, but in this year I’ve learned that was much easier said than done. The fact is, (I guess), I did have a heart attack and it’s a part of my life, and it has dictated much of who I am today. I don’t like that, and I still do not want to be defined as the lady who went thru that, but I did, it is there, I am, and I can’t change it.

One of the reasons for not writing on my blog for so long is that I’ve been extremely busy trying to ignore those facts…… Through the summer, every time I had a thought that I wanted to share, it included something to do with my health, then I would tell myself that no one wanted to hear that so I’d refuse to let myself write. Instead I would think of something else to do in order to distract those thoughts and force myself into another world.

Since the doctors insist that I stay on my medications, including the blood thinners, for a full year before I can have any type of surgery, I have been unable to schedule any "fix" for my back and other health problems that seem to plague me. I knew that I had a year of hell to get through, and the best way to do this, I thought, was to keep busy. We have spent our entire summer and early fall on the run, trying our best to make all problems go away and enjoy ourselves regardless. We traveled, we fished, we entertained, we visited with friends and relatives, I’ve cleaned, cooked, taken care of appointments and commitments, and dreamed up projects, all in an effort not to write my feelings and share my fears….

There have been a lot of “firsts” for me this year, remembering my job’s when we hook up to the camper, tying that fly on the end of my line, setting up and turning on the grill, cooking simple dishes, reading maps, and the lists go on and on. All of this I’m told, more or less normal after being so sick, and having been anesthetized for such a long period of time.

I have finally realized that all along, through everything that has gone on for the past year, even though I didn’t write them down, the heart and other health matters has been at the forefront of my existence anyway. Refusing to write about any of it only left me feeling incomplete.

There is so much more to tell you - thoughts that have been there all along that I have tried to repress and I cannot do that any longer….as Popeye would say, “I yam who I yam” and that includes forgetting how to make stuffed green peppers, but getting them done anyway. The folks I delivered them to had no idea what I’d been through to make them, but the smiles on their faces when I showed up at their door with dinner, only intensified my desire to keep doing what I can. As I do, I will try share it with you through my writings, and I will no longer refuse to acknowledge that I do have fears and failings and weaknesses that didn’t used to be there, but like it or not, are now a part of me.