And I'm Done!

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#$%@$^@@^*#@!?><###** - check

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Without going back through all of the items, I have reached the bottom of "MY" list.....

Now what........

How to leave it all behind......

How to accept that I have done all I can and it’s time to move on.....

There are still a couple of little items that will be a constant companion for the rest of my life but there is nothing more I can do about them.

The back which there may be no answer for

The cancer which will always be with me in some form or another

The on-going heart health and keeping it on the plus side.

I capitalized in quotes, “MY” in the first sentence because I have only had control over what I can do to help myself and that list is now complete. The rest is up to God, I know He has His own list and that remains to be seen.

For now it’s a matter of the relief I feel having accomplished what I promised to myself..... It’s been my job for a long time.

However; it is also a huge adjustment to get on with life. I have lived for 5 years with health problems and health fixes and I’m used to it.

I have become “comfortable” with my cancer and dealt with living with it.

I have accepted my heart condition and dealt with it.

I have accepted my back problems and though I get frustrated with the constant pain I am resigned to it and will do what I can in the future to improve it.

Now it’s time to throw away the lists of medical issues and allow myself to live life with what I have......... Once again I am starting down a new path.... a path without constant doctor’s appointments.

It’s time to have some fun, travel, entertain, keep positive people in my life, tell some stories and enjoy my newly found freedom.......

All the boxes have been checked. There really is “so much more” and I’m on my way out the door to search for it..... Happy days are here again.

Cobwebs

Believe me, the picture of cobwebs above is a lot prettier than the real cobwebs in the corner of my ceiling......

Both eye surgeries went well and the beauty of seeing better includes some things I would rather not! Yes, I have since wiped down all the corners of my ceilings and they are now minus the cobwebs that had been hiding there..... (or hanging there, and I just didn't see them) How many other things have I missed?

Funny thing about cobwebs, that’s a good way to describe how my mind feels sometimes, a bit crowded with old things that need wiped out, and beautiful, intricate, woven patterns of my left over wanderings......

You can see large smooth, easy going strands that must have been good days in that old spider’s life. You can also see a few tiny circles when she must have been having an off day and just didn’t want to do much.

There are some very crooked ones and one with crosses where she really got confused in where she was going or where she was. Some of them are thicker which shows she probably had to go back and do a some over..... Some are very broken and thinned and some are reinforced... You can tell she had to start over more than once....

She created her defense mechanism to catch any invaders, and also created a way to protect her home, her heart and a place she can aways go back to. she created a way to survive.....

With the removal of the cataracts the light is now able to shine in and the world looks so much brighter. Not only are the shadows and darkness gone, but those surgeries were the last two things on my repair list...... I get tested for my new glasses on February 17th..... I have a lot to celebrate.

I have made my cobweb a bit stronger.....the invaders are at bay.....and I am safe and home and content that all of my weaving is worth it. There is so much more waiting on me...... Further cleaning out of the old ones and exciting new patterns to create........

The Dawning

And a new year dawns, one day into the other…….and I was there to witness it! Exciting in its presentation but not a lot different in it’s similarity to other mornings. Regardless, it is my day and my new year.

2010 was so full….. I was faced at the beginning with a lot - having made up my mind to use it to discover more about myself and my health and have some things taken care of that required my commitment to them, as unpleasant as they were.

It took 2 major surgeries, quite a few down days, many short appointments, check up’s and more check up’s…. It seems that was all I accomplished and it took me most all year long, just finishing with one procedure before starting in on another one…..

All of that behind me now I had one remaining project which was to have my cataracts removed. My right eye will be done on January 5^th and the left eye on January 19^th. It will be a wonderment to be able to see clearly again.

I will also be working on trying to get in better shape – stronger is all ways, physically and mentally.

I have a feeling that it’s going to be a very good year, full of brightness and an enjoyment of life that I haven’t had for a while.

Here’s to you and your’s, may your year be filled with only good things, things that will lead you onward and forward in health and contentment.

Happy New Year! Welcome 2011

Discovery

Another year......

If last year, 2009 was my year of “Awakening”.....

as it was.....

Then 2010 was my year of “Discovery”.....

In the months following my heart attack in ’09 I worked hard to bring myself and my body back physically and mentally....It honestly did take a full 12 months.....

I’ve found it interesting that numerous times throughout 2010 I would make a statement to someone about something and “sweet thang” would gently remind me that “no hon, that happened last year”..... There are really some parts missing. Probably just as well I don’t know everything, but this year has been a different story......

2010 has been a year of discovering a lot about my new world and how I grew from the years before. there has been much to experience and savor.......

Because of the year before I knew it was time to uncover what was going to keep this old body ticking and it was time to dig deep and start repairing many years of damage.

January heard my doctor tell me it was safe to go off of the blood thinner I had been on for a year, and that it was now ok to have the much needed surgery on my back.... but that we still had some work ahead of us to get my blood levels where he wanted them. I had discovered a whole new world of drugs and medications that had kept me alive and was going to continue to make me better.... Part of all this was finally learning to trust my doctors and be comfortable in doing what they told me..... wow! This was a biggie for me....

Feburary - the trip out of state, my beloved “x-stop” implanted by my back surgeon, and finally some relief, followed by rehab and learning many new ways to help myself. Believe me, this girl was now on a mission..... All of the things I had been putting off was now going to get taken care of, come hell or high water....

Speaking of “high water”, March brought the long awaited bladder surgery... oh the wonders of modern medicine!

April and May brought another spring with yard work, and more rehab on the back. With that came the realization that the more I used my back and legs the less convinced I was the surgery had worked as well as I had hoped.... May also heard my eye doctor tell me my cataracts need to come off but he wanted to wait and let me rebuild some before I had yet another surgery.....

June came and went with catching up on some entertaining.....new and exciting changes at our business, and getting the camper ready to take off for some fishing and summer dog daze of relaxation.......It was also about this time our kids reminded us that 2011 would be our 50th wedding anniversary and wanted us to start thinking about throwing a party or taking a trip or something special.... they put us to work coming up with some plans and ideas.. (more brain exercise)! and.....more discoveries. I had a project now that I could put my organizational skills back to work. I’ve always been a list maker, but this would be a big test....

July and August found us meeting up and renewing friendships with long distance family we had not seen in a long time, new friends, good exercise, good campfire cooked foods, and beautiful scenery......

And then September....fall, my favorite time of the year..... except for the fact that I had to meet with all my doctors for checkup’s..... where had the time gone?

September 13th blood test for CT scan

September 14th CT scan ordered by the cancer doctor

September 21st fasting blood test for regular doctor yearly check up which included all of the tests the heart doctor also wanted.

September 30th appointment with the cancer doctor to tell me that even though I still have lymphoma I am still in remission.

October 5th MRI for back doctor

October 13th appointment with heart doctor

October 19th heart machine stress test

October 22 appointment with heart doctor to tell me I passed all my tests and pleased all of the doctors with my progress.

And a very long talk with my back doctor which set the seed for some new revelations.

November brought the beginning of some much needed dental work

An eye exam to schedule cataract surgery

My 68th birthday, a wonderful Thanksgiving..........

Wth all of that going on I really had not had much time to write.... plus I needed a break from thinking and needed to concentrate on doing....... thus, my absense from my blog and a lot of communication with others....

And here we are..... December and it’s almost over with! We had a wonderful Christmas, and the best present of all arrived early in the month on a shopping trip ........ Quite by accident I learned more about my back pain and some things I can do to help it......

Following the MRI in October the doctor told that other areas of my back are now breaking down..... It’s so hard to explain to others but I am honestly used to the regular back pain and that news neither surprised or saddened me.... I can deal for now with the pain in my back. What has been the worst all along is the pain in my right hip/leg which prevents me from walking and being as active as I want.

During the long talk with my back doctor he explained that at this point he does not want to start further surgery on my back..... as one thing will normally lead to another once the process of fusion’s, rods, screws & invasive spinal surgery begins. Because of other’s I know who has dealt with the same I understand what he’s telling me and agree. As long as I can movtivate enough to get by for now, I do not want to start that at this time..... He suggested we try to focus on that right hip/leg area with additional shots......

I was even leery about that so I then set the goal in my own mind of focusing on the particular areas that was shutting me down.

Here it was December and time to go Christmas shopping which always includes a trip to the big mall about 40 miles for us..... A full day of walking around with few places to rest, not only was I dreading it, I knew I had my work cut out for me.....

In the parking lot the walk just to get to the store is a challenge, so I’m setting in the car and told sweet thang, we’re going to do this different today.... I am going to walk VERY, very slow, stop often and try extremely hard not to irritate this hip before the day even starts..... He agreed we didn’t have to hurry so out of the car I get. He also agreed to be the money man so I didn’t have to carry a purse....

I had also mapped out a route before we left home, I knew exactly which stores I wanted to go to, which direction they were from the esculators, which level etc...so off we go. I forced myself to stay at a slow pace, if I felt a twinge I stopped, every time I seen a chair I set down for awhile.......

Before I knew it, even though several hours had passed we had most of our shopping done! As purchases were made sweet thang would carry a load to the car and I would take another break..... There is no way I could have done this on my own but the results was one of the biggest discoveries of the year.....

My hip had not locked up once.... It was tired and it was sore but the angonizing sharp pain that usually shut me down had not set in..... volla’! had I actually uncovered a way to survive this?..... I believe so. Had I been unknowingly irritating this all along because I had refused to slow down and allow it to go at it's own pace?

By giving into my limp, letting my body go in the direction it wanted to and not forcing it with irritating pressures and speed, I had survived being on it most of the day....

I’m going to end this now.....my year in review

Tomorrow is another day and in another 48 hours it will be another year..... I’ve got much to do but just had to get on here at least once more this year..... As the new year begins I know my discoveries will also continue and I’ll share them with you. It will be an exciting year as there will be a lot of exciting things happening...... I will keep ya posted...........

Mary B and Mary B

This picture was taken in about 1946. My granddad was one of the first to bring the "Domino" line of Hereford cattle to Reno County Kansas, and proudly raised a large herd on his ranch in the early 40's and 50's. He had a habit of naming his cattle after people in the family. When his first prize cow had a calf about the same time I was born, she was given the registered name of "Mary B Domino". We were approximately 3 years old when this picture was taken. During the years I was growing up, and often into adulthood, all of my aunts and uncles endearingly called me Mary B. My uncles are all gone now and I'll probably never hear that "Mary B" again, so as part of my heritage I wanted to share this story...... Don't ya think I even looked like tarzan then?...... :)

And All is Quiet

"To be quiet surrounded by the beauty of nature,

is to rest in the arms of God"

“The Bureau of Ocean Energy Management, Regulation, and Enforcement has confirmed that the cementing operation on the Macondo well was successful, that the well has been permanently sealed with cement plugs, and that pressure tests verify the integrity of the plugs”.

Finally it’s dead

In recognition of all whose heroic efforts brought this to a conclusion......Prayers being sent for the fishing industries to resume, and all future drilling to be as safe and reliable as possible, so the people’s of the gulf can return to their livelihoods. Also for our earth to heal from the damage we humans inflict upon it.

~~~~~~~~~~Not to be forgotten~~~~~~~~

Eleven crew members died during the April 20 explosion; 115 were rescued.

*Jason Anderson, 35, toolpusher, of Midfield, Texas. He and his wife Shelley have two children.

*Dale Burkeen, 37, a crane operator from outside Philadelphia. He and wife, Rhonda, have two children.

*Donald Clark, 49, assistant driller, of Newellton, La. He and his wife, Sheila, have four children.

*Stephen Curtis, 39, assistant driller, of Georgetown, La. He and his wife Nancy have two children.

*Gordon Jones, 28, mud engineer, of near Baton Rouge, La. He left behind a pregnant wife, Michelle, and a son.

*Roy Wyatt Kemp, 27, assistant driller, of Jonesville, La. He and his wife, Tracy, have two daughters

*Karl Kleppinger, 38, floorhand, of Natchez, Miss. He left behind his wife, Tracy, and a 17-year-old son.

*Dewey Revette, 48, driller, of State Line, Miss. He and his wife, Sherri, have two children.

*Shane Roshto, 22, roustabout, of Franklin County, Miss. He left behind his wife, Natalie.

*Adam Weise, 24, floorhand, of Yorktown, Texas. He was not married.

The future of the well being of our earth, it’s inhabitants, the renewable energy and oil industries, depends on each one of us. Only through self education, personal effort and taking nothing for granted can this be accomplished.

There is Always a Way

He Jumped the Pot!

There are some things you just cannot control.......this little petunia is one of them. Evidently he didn’t like where he had been planted so with the help of who knows what, wind, a stray seed, a broken root or God’s hand, he got out of the pot and did his own thing.....

We have cracks in our sandstone patio that is filled only with sand and cement. This little guy didn’t seem to care and what a story he has to tell.

Who needs or gets the perfect well nourished soil to grow in? It’s there, but he chose the harder way. Maybe just didn’t like the conditions he was living in and searched for something better? Maybe it’s because it’s a little more exciting, or he knew it would strengthen him if he chose another route regardless of it’s challenges.

His tiny roots had to struggle as they took hold, dug in deep, and then put out stems to reach for the sun.

He took nourishment where he could get it.

Had I been here to give him advice I’d told him not to even try because it appeared impossible. I’d have said “no, don’t go there it will never work, it will be too hard on you”. But we were gone and I didn’t have a chance to put him back in the pot where his life would be safer, so he did it anyway..........

And look at him now........growing with beautiful blossoms and brightness to warm the world. I’m sure it hurt at first, but he withstood the pain, overcame whatever obstacles he met, conquered his fear, and instead, put his energy into making himself stronger. Not only did he grow but he is thriving into a beautiful boquet to give others beauty.

He is making the best of a quite unrealistic situation. By all reasonable scenarios, he should not be living, let alone blooming.

He is finding his way thru the most inconceivable life one can imagine

He searched for and found a way to survive and found a way to live after all

He planted himself in the middle of nothing and found something

Even though he came through a tiny minuscule crack with everything against him, totally impractical, he took a risk, and found a way......He found his way, he found HIS way.......

And look at him now - Look what he accomplished - Look at what he is.

If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. ~Vincent Van Gogh