#10 of the Matrix......

#10 of the matrix........Letting Go

Anyone who has been really ill knows down deep that there is a certain connection to that illness that is not easy to let go.

Yes, it’s great to get our senses back, lessen or loose the pain, regain strength, become involved in life again…… All of the positives one would expect….

But for those who have never experienced it, being deathly ill can bring certain perks we don’t often recognize, and giving up those perks is not as simple as you might think.

When one is really sick with a life threatening condition, the lucky ones find themselves suddenly surrounded by the best care available. We are given the best the medical profession has to offer with everything implemented to keep you alive. 100% of your doctor’s, nurses, emergency and laboratory personnel’s attention is right at your fingertips. They listen to you, they constantly monitor you, and they take great care in your recovery. For the “ordinary Joe” with a difficult disease to diagnose, a sprained ankle or a headache, that kind of attention from the medical field is hard to come by. You know it’s back to the “take two asprin, go to bed & call me next week” routine.

When you’re extremely sick, family and friends are suddenly and directly pointing all of their concern and attention at you…. It becomes “love in action” with you being the central receiver. In many cases this can and often does go on for days, months, and some times even years.

You’re no longer just another member of the household, you’re special! Hmmmm, you can even find yourself in the position that no one expects anything from you and therefore you don’t have to produce much…… After a lifetime of work, responsibilities, and devotion to making yourself worthy, it now it becomes ok to set back and soak up what others are willing to give.

Screwing up in life is normal, and if you’re going to live you’re going to make mistakes….. Well, guess what, as long as you’re sick those mistakes are so much more easily forgiven……

Often times it’s the family and loved ones who can keep this cycle going. Even if the patient is able and willing to resume to his/her old life, the loved ones are too worried to allow them to do much and will continue to treat them differently and with special attention….

*****************

I’m not sure at what point I started letting go of the security of my sickness, but through the year, every day has brought me a little more willing to pull away from the corner of that blanket, which I have to admit, I probably unconsciously held onto for awhile… Facing life ahead with all of it’s problems is a challenge, but one I am taking on.. It’s a lot easier to let go of a negative when you’re sure that positive is within your sight if not your grasp, but the positives have come in steps. Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between a negative and a positive, but eventually they will begin to separate and surface….

I am now a lot smarter about my own health and have learned to speak up to doctors and make them listen to my needs. Identifying a problem and relating it to others has become a little easier for me. I am now more clear on what signs to watch for. We need to be in control of our own health and I’m getting better at that.

If I didn’t recognize it before, I know without any reservations, how much my family appreciates me and I will never have the need to question my self worthiness or their acknowledgment of that. They have shown many times over they are there for me in sickness and in health……

I know that others will step in for me without my even asking, and that if I need to slack off, it’s ok. In the beginning most everything was done for me because I couldn’t. Then the time came when I had to prove to myself that I could fit back into my position in the household, the family and the community. Thank God for those who stepped back and let me try whatever I needed to and stepped in only when I ask for help or they could see I needed it.

It’s also ok if I screw up which I know I will, in fact, it’s to be expected! However; I know without a doubt that others will forgive me, not because I’m sick, but simply because they are good people.

I’ve written before about the lack of organization in my brain when I got out of the hospital, words did not come as easily to me, my memory was not as sharp, and I questioned my own ability to regain those skills. It has taken work and time, but it is is improving.

Profound health events never completely go away, especially with on-going, chronic or incurable health issues. Through the positives and negatives together they have a tendency to define how we interact with life…. But as long as we are willing to continue the process of our restoration, the choices become clearer.

There is a fine line between our needs and our wants… Being sick does have its high security points and it takes work, a lot of work to break out on your own. It would definitely be easier not to, but that’s not the life I want and I’m happy to report the results are worth working for….

#9 of the Matrix........

#9 of the matrix…….. Shorpping

It’s been interesting as I’ve constructed and gone thru my list of positives, finding that several I’ve written down I have found the need to combine with others, causing me to search for and add another one in order to come up with the 12…..

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

A few Sunday’s ago in Church, our minister left the pulpit, walked through the congregation and handed out a little piece of bread to various members. At that time, he jokingly announced that his sermon was over and we could all go home, and then he just stood there quietly for a few moments…… Then he returned to the pulpit and proceeded with his sermon of the day which started out talking about sharing…..

About half way through the sermon, he brought up the tiny piece of bread again, saying…….. It’s just a piece of bread, right? Until…… and he waited. Finally some lady sitting in a pew said ….until we give it away and then it becomes a gift. …..

It is a fact, It becomes “so much more” when we give of ourselves to other’s…..

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

On my original list I had written the importance of “support”, thinking of all the nice things that was done for my family and myself when I was ill.

Separately, I also had written the word “sharing”, thinking at the time of how important it has become for me, to share the positives of my ordeal with others……

As I begin to write, I could see the weaving of the two, and it became obvious that others giving to me, and me trying to, and needing to give back to them, had indeed became one and the same……

Sharing and Support My new word: Shorpping…..

In the meantime, another friend had written that when she was diagnosed with cancer a few years back, she had stopped her painting, but that my sharing with her through my words, had made her want to start again….. She is a wonderful artist, her paintings reflect life and the light therein, but in her private turmoil, she had put her brush’s in the closet….. how sad.

I immediately wrote her back and urged her to take them out and start again. I said to her, “you never know when one person might look at one of your paintings, and it may be that very light that gives hope where it may not have been there before. Little do we know who we might touch with a word, a cookie, a story, a painting, a song, a smile, a phone call, or just an arm around a weakened shoulder.

I have been on the receiving end and it meant so much more to me than anyone can ever know. It gave me light and hope and the will to go on when I couldn’t do it by myself. Friends and family shared their love and support in many different ways and it grew within me to the point where the overflow has to be released.

Now it’s my turn to find a way to keep it going…..

#8 of the Matrix......

#8 of the matrix…Life in it’s own Time

Moments to Minutes

to Hours

to Days

to Months

to…….

Shorly after my arrival home from the hospital, my buddy Shark wrote me:

“Don Juan, the Yaqui medicine man -- used to tell the story that Death was always just behind our left shoulder -- and anything one wanted to know, one could just turn around and ask one's Death.

And he said the answer would always be:

"Death doesn't want you yet." (-- which was supposed to put 'the moment' in perspective and serve as an "answer" to anything.)

If that doesn't apply to you, I don't know what does!

And with every new moment AFTER such an event, you are obligated to Live and Love and Give as fiercely and passionately as possible.

………>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>………

I’ve thought a lot about these words and the time ahead of me since my attack…… I am still amazed at how quickly everything happened that evening. On a positive note, The attack left me with the realization and stark reminder that any of us can be gone within a flash. Since then, I have made an effort to think of my living moments with a little more attention paid to what it does and can hold within it’s time left.

When I wrote earlier about putting yourself in the moment, that has included a few that I have actually stopped and thought “this could be your last second on this earth, and are you ready”?…… As morbid as it sounds, it’s been a healthy exercise for me. Usually it prompts a response as soon as possible of cleaning out a drawer, filing papers, writing a loved one a note, or some other project that I happen to think is important at the moment.

……….<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<………

On the mantle in the living room I have the card that “el poquito” sent me, (pictured above).

With that note, he christened me “Turtle Woman”. On the front of the card is written by N. Scott Momaday from the Kiowa tribe. “Tortoises crawl about on red earth, going nowhere in plenty of time”.

I keep that card out where I can see it daily, and when I find myself falling back into my old habits of trying to rush through life, I need only to glance at it and be reminded to slow down and make these moments count.

“Death doesn’t want me yet”,,,,,,, so I choose to live while I can, but I’m no longer hurrying through it.

#7 of the Matrix......

#7 of the matrix......... Sensitivity

”Can you feel it”….first recorded in 1980 by the Jacksons, the slogan in years since has become a part of our culture.

Now I can honestly say yes, I can, in a hundred million different ways, and it’s been an extremely positive result of waking up.

I think I’ve always been a compassionate person, but I wonder now if I was just “going thru the motions”… Since my attack, one of the positives is that I do have a deeper sense of what’s going on around me.

This doesn’t just relate to people, I also feel a closer connection to a lot of things, such as nature, the environment, home, words (spoken & written), music, emotions, and to health to name only a few...

I’ve learned to put myself “in the moment” and actually feel a part of it, and I’ve since learned, it’s a wonderful, useful tool of life. This is no easy task, and if it’s been awhile since you’ve experienced it, you should try it.

Stop, empty your mind of everything in it, and look around…. How long has it been since you REALLY seen the tree outside your window. Patterns and textures of its bark, the colors, the aged beauty, it’s scars and it’s stature, it’s nakedness or dressing. How long has it been since you’ve really stopped long enough to sense the feelings in your body. It’s simple to say your’re in pain, but can you mark it’s origin? Can you localize it in separate areas and intensity? In detail, what is it that makes you happy when you are having good day? If you’ve been to a public gathering lately, did you notice the crowd or did you actually look into their faces.

When I hear of other’s suffering, I no longer just feel sorry – I now feel their pain, I know intensity of their sadness, I know their helplessness. I now relate to and deeply understand their sorrow and their joys…..

I now walk into a room and I see……the floor, the walls, the furnishings, the warmth and the coldness. I touch an inanimate object and now feel the worthiness in its presence.

With all that life holds in it’s work to simply survive, (our jobs, our relationship to others, our responsibilities) the hectic moments can speed past us without our actually being a part of them….. This is more than “stopping to smell the roses” – We first have to notice they’re there.

We owe it to ourselves and to each other, to join each and every fleeting moment and make the most of it. Life isn’t really life unless we’re actually a part of it, not just in it, we have to be of it. Even when those parts are not good, you can’t change them unless you first accept, and sincerely get to know them.

Stop – Put yourself in the moment – acknowledge it – be a part of it – feel it. Suddenly it will become clear - There is "so much more" . It's not about us.

#6 of the Matrix.......

#6 of the matrix.........ATTENTION!

“Take care of your health”……. I have listened to, and written those words all of my life but I never REALLY heard them, let alone practice them. I look back now and see where most of my life I ignored the warnings to a lot of health issues…. I worked hard and I played hard and gave little time to that thing called health. On a positive note, I AM now paying attention, and I beg you to do the same.

I am sure a lot of different factors played a part in my heart attack, genetics, bad habits, stress, ignorance.…… but those things do not include the fact that I lived in pain for three years, and had little or no exercise during those years prior to the attack. When the discs in my back went bad in 2005 and begin pinching a nerve, I thought I would be able to live with that pain. As it got worse I finally gave in a year later and went to a doctor, then following an MRI, I was diagnosed in 2006 with spinal stenosis, arthritis, and two ruptured discs..

And yet, because I had “heard” my whole life how back surgery never works, and how it’s the worst thing you can do, there was no way I was going to let anyone cut on me….. I am tough, I can live with it. Well, I couldn’t. Finally, when I hit my limit in October of 2008 and the doctor and I decided it was time to have something done, I decided once again to put it off until after the holidays… Of course December 23 was when I got the wake up call from God –

"Hello Mary, He said…… You are not being tough, you are being stupid. You have chosen to ignore every sign I have given you, so I will lay you on your back and when I let you get up, you WILL start paying attention"! Oh boy, was he right……yet again, and still…….

Taking care of your health is one area where procrastination is just not smart. How dare we think we can just go on and on and on abusing and using our bodies until they are beyond repair? Do you encourage your child or another loved one to ignore their health?...... What gives you the right to turn away from yourself?

I now have another list – this one is of things I need help with in order to give my body what it needs….. It’s going to take a couple of surgeries, and probably several appointments with various doctors, and the continuation of the ever present problems of diet and exercise, but 2010 will be the year of repairs that I have needed for a long time….. The year of making tarzan healthy, the year of taking care of my health and hopefully continuing to for many years to come. During this past year of recuperation from the attack, I have done what I could – working on changing bad habits, eating healthier, getting more rest, keeping stress under control, etc. Now I that I have permission to go off of the blood thinners, I can move forward with a complete work over, including that back surgery I’ve needed for so long but was too stubborn to give in to.

I am no longer too proud to admit I have pain and it’s ok to pay attention to it and do something about it…… Attention!……”Take care of your health”...... Ok God, I heard you finally! I hope other’s are listening……

#5 of the Matrix

#5 of the Matrix………Medical Miracles

I have never been a “pill taker”…. Honestly – I have always hated relying on medicines….. Even when an antibiotic was necessary, I couldn’t wait until the prescribed dose was finished. I have fought taking medicine all my life.

Imagine my horror when after my heart attack, I was immediately put on a blood thinner, a cholesterol pill, an asprin, and two blood pressure meds daily…. And told I HAD to take them - That’s five pills a day! Throw in a sleeping pill that was prescribed in the beginning, and a fish oil pill, then a couple of other suggested vitamins, and I felt like a down and out drug user!

I just had a blood test on Monday Nov. 30^th, and an a check up appointment with the heart doctor today, Dec. 2nd……. I am happy to report that my cholesterol level’s, trigyscerides, etc…..were all half of what they were one year ago. THE DRUGS ARE WORKING! Another medical miracle that would not have been possible very many years ago.

If this had happened to me say 20 years ago, I probably would not have survived. Consider the coated stent that holds my artery open, the balloon pump which allowed my heart to rest for 3 days following surgery, the emergency procedures, the remarkable moment by moment care I received through medicine and state of the art equipment…. A positive to be sure.

Medical techonolgy has advanced beyond what anyone could have imagined only a short time ago in so many fields. Transplants for vital organs, cancer, heart, cell and nerve repair, the vines are flourishing in the jungle. They are growing at a rapid rate for all of us to grab when we need them. As I just finished taking my handful of pills, I know I am living proof…..

#4 of the Matrix.....

#4 of the Matrix………Physical Strength

In terms of the strength I have regained, I often think of the saying about not being able to see light until you’ve experienced the darkness.

If you were to ask 50 heart attack patients to describe their experience, you would probably get 50 different replies….. Pain is often mentioned as the most obvious symptom, but for me, it was the total, sudden loss of strength and control.

My first feeling was flu like symptoms with a sudden onset of weakness. I put my right hand to my forehead which felt very cold and clammy while at the same time my internal feeling was of heat and feverish like. I managed to stand up and say that I didn’t feel very good and must have the flu, and at that time the weakness overtook me. I also had extreme pain in my right shoulder and back. Feeling nauseous, I was barely able to walk down the hall way headed to our bathroom, which is off of our bedroom, at the other end of the house…

Things become blurry at this time, but I remember sitting on the stool with my sister kneeling in front of me holding me upright in a sitting position. I expressed fear about falling to the floor. I could not hold myself up, and at that point my husband returned from town, and my sister yelled at him to come back to where we were. He said the minute he looked at me, something told him that this was more than the flu….. He made me swallow two aspirin then he and my sis got on each side of me and literally drug me into the bedroom and laid me on the bed.

I didn’t realize it then, but at that time all of my organs were completely shutting down…..I could not see, I heard very little, and what I did hear, I could not organize…nothing in me had any control. My husband called our daughter who works at the hospital said he was bringing me over because I was really sick. She said “no dad, I’m putting you on hold and I’m calling 911”, and the story continues from there. I have to say it was the first time in my 65 years of living that I was totally unable to physically help myself. I lay there, completely unable to move.

Other than an intermediate flash of what was going on around me I don’t remember much else until I woke up in ICU several days later….

After becoming somewhat aware throughout that day, when everyone had left and I was alone, I decided I needed to try to move myself. This was not an easy decision, I could just as easily have lain there. However, in my half drugged state, it became a desperate requirement, as I had to prove to myself that I was alive.

Normally as a thought enters our brain that we want to lift our hand for instance, the brain sends a message to that limb, and movement comes in micro seconds and the hand lifts immediately, seemingly automatic without effort. In my condition, that did not happen…. The first process was making my brain accept the thought that I wanted to move, then secondly, I had to figure out how I was going to do it. I remember the effort it took to raise my head from the pillow, then seeing the bars they had on each side of my bed and deciding those would be my tools. With sheer will and extreme effort, I inched my hand towards the bar. To fully explain my weakness, from the time I had decided to try and move, the movement to this point had probably taken at least 20 minutes.

With my hand now on the bar, there must have been billions of tiny cells, and nerves working throughout my system to force my body to move any further…. Next, I had to tighten my arm and other muscles in order to pull. It took many tries to make that muscle realize that it had work to do. With that, I knew I had to lift my upper body. Resting between tries, and falling many times back into a prone position, I finally reached a partial point of raising enough to rest on my elbow…. Every time I tried after that, I was able to go a little higher until finally I was able to pull myself into a sitting position.

I had to go through the same process at a later time in order to make my legs move. The next day with help, I was able to sit up and dangle my legs off the side of the bed, and eventually I was able to stand up and sit in a chair… Being moved from ICU to a regular room, a day later I was allowed with the aid of a walker to walk a few feet and of course in time, I was able to walk my way back to normal.

Physical strength – Another thing we take for granted but I now fully appreciate.