Roadblocks

Roadblocks

Normally I trip through life on an every day basis without too much trouble, for about 3 months at a time, then up pops a roadblock. Roadblocks in life are to be expected, we suffer them every day. You know, little things like not being able to find your slippers in the morning, running out of gas on the way to work, being late for an appointment. Needless to say, roadblocks come in all sizes. Loved ones die, financial problems, relationship problems, debilitating illness……those are large roadblocks.

Since I was diagnosed with cancer, I have a checkup with the oncologist every 3 months. My small to medium sized roadblock starts moving into place about 3 days before. The day of the appointment there it stands, and everything stops. I stop. I can’t sleep the night before, I watch the clock, my blood pressure goes sky high, I get snappy with everyone, my muscles tighten up, I delay getting ready, I don’t want to talk to anyone. I actually refuse to go in my mind at least 12 times before I make myself get in the car.

All of this only because I don’t want to hear what he has to say. The poor guy can’t win! I don’t want to hear that I still have cancer and he’s still not doing anything about it, that I’m still not sick and I’m still not well. And I don’t want to hear that it could be active, (which would be a bigger roadblock). To put it simply I hate these appointments!

They remind me…..they bring to surface a problem that I have no control over. Oh and there is so much more……there’s deciding what to wear, there’s the lab work, there’s the pleasantries exchanged with the receptionist, there’s the physical exam, there’s seeing the sadness in the eyes of the other patients whose appointment may not have gone so well, there’s trying to find a place to park! There is nothing in my mind good about those days.

Once the appointment is over, the roadblock is removed and I am ok again. I start to breathe again, I look at the sky again and see the world is still here and there will be so much more ahead of me. I am left with a headache, but I can turn my back on the cancer again and get on with my journey knowing it will be another 3 months before I have to get over the next roadblock